In less than seven years I will be 43. Just writing that feels a little daunting and scary! Sure, I know that 43 is still ripe- and yet there is so much that I want to create, do, and reinvent before then. What parts of my personality could use a shift? What habits no longer are serving my highest good?
I am inspired by this seven year mark, and am reminded to go big. You see, seven years ago my life was small, lonely, and scary.
Around this time in 2010, I moved back to San Francisco after living in Lake Tahoe for two years. I told myself, my friends, and family that it was because I just really missed The City. Deep down, I knew that I had a drinking problem and that I was probably an alcoholic. I believe now that something greater than me was guiding me back to the place where I would get sober.
During most of my early 20's, drinking was fun. It seemed to be this positive social lubricant which added joy, connection, and love into my life.
It didn't take long for the alcohol- induced happiness to fade, and the good times to slip away. My drinking was soon just causing harmful consequences, both internally and externally. How I wished I could go back to that easy time where I could just have fun drinking again already. It has been said that: "You can't turn a pickle into a cucumber." How true this was for me! I spent years using every ounce of my own self-will striving to drink normally.
My past few months living in Tahoe was during a time when my drinking really isolated me. I came to accept blackouts, (and the feelings of shame and self-loathing that ensued) as just a regular part of my life.
The pattern was the same. I would not drink for a few days or a week, and feel relatively together. I felt connected with my friends, open to going on dates with men, and helpful at work. Then once I would pick back up; the first drink would send me on a three-day or three-week bender. I was curing my hangovers with more booze, which were making my hungover days just more days of being drunk.
After my little breaks, I usually would wait until a reason to drink again. I would have plans with a girlfriend or go on a date. I would step out my door and proclaim to myself: “This time, it will be different!”
I learned so much from this research period. If my break from not drinking was with a friend that I knew well, we would start drinking a little and then I would take the lead in turning the night into a full on booze fest. Often times, their significant other would have to drive us home, and I would wake up in a heap on a strange couch.
If I was hanging out with a newer friend or romantic interest, I would “white knuckle” it and just have one or two drinks. The whole time, however, my mind was somewhere else. I could not enjoy the company of another being. No, I was completely fixated on the next drink. I was plotting and planning on which liquor store I would hit on the way home so I could drink how I really wanted to. Often, it would be close to two bottles of wine alone in my small in-law unit.
In both scenarios- at the very first sip, alcohol would take over.
Years later, I would learn that an allergy in my body and the fire of craving was being unlocked as I took the first drink. An internal switch was going off, and it had little to do with intoxication after an ounce or two of wine. That fist sip held the seeds of my shameful night of isolation, blackouts, embarrassing texts, and demoralization.
It took me a while to seek help when I moved back to SF. In my first few months back, my patterns had simply followed me to new bars and different liquor stores. Similar dynamics played out with a new set of friends; where I wondered what I said and did. I woke up in a new bedroom to see empty bottles and remnants from an isolated night of drinking alone, and felt the same feelings of confusion and sadness.
Just the other day I remembered a powerful vision I had on my second week back in SF. I was lonely, scared, and lost. I was waitressing at random restaurants and feeling uninspired and limited professionally. My body felt weary, heavy, and unhealthy. My eyes were cloudy and my hands were shaky.
I lived in Noe Valley at the time and I was walking up one of it’s majestic hills, while I was trying to figure out my life on a “Day 1 of not drinking for a week.”
I suddenly had this vision of a higher version of myself walking right along side of me. She was lean, strong, vibrant, and happy. Her eyes were bright, clear, and sparkling. She was together, connected, and confident. She had a lot of love in her life. She was wiser, calmer, and her spirit was refreshingly light. She was alongside of me, yet a step or two ahead of me with this cheerful energy saying: “Come on, girl, you got this! I'm right here with you, actually I AM you.”
This past May, I celebrated six years of continuous sobriety from alcohol and drugs. My life is full of love, connection, and inspiration. Goals, dreams, and opportunities that seemed completely unattainable have come into fruition.
Just the other day, as I was preparing to teach one of my yoga classes, the memory of my vision flooded into my being. I realized that I am in full alignment with that higher version of myself that I imagined and felt seven years ago. That beautiful spirit that seemed to be the opposite of me, is me.
Just receiving that feels so good.
I have undergone a massive transformation, and by no means have I "arrived" or am I done working on myself!
The contrast of the stuck and disconnected Carolyn seems so stark from myself now, and inspires the deep knowing that anything is possible.
Who do I want to be in seven years from now in November 2025? What do I want to call into my life? What dynamics and habits am I ready to let go of?
I love to get clear on specifics. I think about the different areas of my life and how I want to feel. I write my intentions in the affirmative "I AM" statements.
And, yet the great paradox is this: As I grow spiritually, my top intention and "goal' is to Align with the Divine. I deeply know that feeling connected to God, Spirit, Universe, (or whatever you want to call It) will inspire everything else to fall into place. The words: “Thy Will Be Done” are plastered over most of my vision boards and intention sheets.
As I step into the last sweet months of 2017, I feel propelled and energized to dream enormously big and get clear on who it is I want to grow into. I feel inspired to hold that vision in my heart and offer it up to my Higher Power, trusting that if I can fully align with the Divine; my life will continue to unfold just as it should- peppered with both discomfort and Grace.
Wishing you all evolution, surrender, and Love for the rest of this year and beyond.
Love,
Carolyn Jean
I support women align with the highest version of themselves in my three month coaching program Magnetize Miracles. To schedule a 30 minute complimentary coaching call, email carolyn.roney@gmail.com and write “Alignment” in the subject line.