The Sex Workers' Petition

[The following is a slightly satirical yet deadly serious prediction of what I assume will come of the future sex industry, based on Frédéric Bastiat's "Candlemakers' Petition."]

A Petition from Sex Workers as well as the Manufacturers of Condoms, Jewelry, Boxes of Chocolate, and of Generally Everything Connected with Lovemaking.

To the Honorable Members of the United States Congress.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

You are on the correct path. Through record deportations, strict tariffs, and corporate bailouts, you have successfully saved a large percentage of our economy from the vicious competition created by foreign -- and, frankly, unwanted -- entities. After all, this is the United States economy, and it should not openly embrace those who are not American.

Today we members of the sex industry are writing you with the fantastic opportunity of once again saving this precious economy from outsiders. No, not immigrants -- today we are referring to machines.

President Obama was correct when he explained how ATMs cause unemployment. The number of food stamp recipients has climbed 70 percent since 2007, and the unquestionable majority of this group is bank tellers whose jobs have been ripped away by the cold, metal hard drives of modern machinery.

"Let it never happen again," we hoped. But now we sex workers see an impending meteor, once which will head straight into the center of the sex industry and cause permanent ruination that can never be undone.

A few days ago we discovered a paper written by two New Zealand researchers. These individuals predict that the sex industry will be overrun with robotic prostitutes within the next few decades, writing, "In 2050, Amsterdam's red light district will all be about android prostitutes who are clean of sexual transmitted infections."

This prospect is an abomination about which we had begun worrying when the first RealDoll was introduced many years ago. We ignored it at first. Nothing can take the place of a verbal companion. Yet newer technologies have been developed by the New Jersey-based TrueCompanion, which is marketing its own line of sex robots capable of computerized speech. We do not like this fact.

Despite one man's description of the TrueCompanion doll's physique as "quite possibly the most retarded thing [he'd] ever seen in [his] entire life," we are frequently becoming more wary of the possibility that these two companies will merge together, mixing their specialties and putting human sex workers out of business for a long, long time.

And thus we of the sex industry ask you to be so good to pass a law which will immediately ban the production and sale of all current and future sex dolls. For centuries our professionals endowed their talents upon the sometimes not-so-well-endowed men of history, turning a blind eye and keeping a silent mouth when they notice the faint marking of a wedding ring taken off minutes before coming into our presence. It is safe to say that no society has properly functioned without the service our industry renders.

We believe that it is time society pay us back in full. We beg of you, honorable politicians, to be humble enough to take this request seriously and to grant us the capability to continue earning a decent living without the threat of outcast by machine.

Other industries are willing to sign off on this request with the realization that a ban on sex dolls will, too, increase the livelihood of their own companies and employees.

Manufacturers of Condoms -- While men typically do not enjoy the thought of wearing condoms, it is nearly imperative that they wear contraception during their time spent with us, for their own safety as well as the ensured longevity of our own careers. Condoms are not needed with sex dolls, and decreasing sales will surely lead to higher unemployment.

Manufacturers of Jewelry, Manufacturers of Boxes of Chocolate -- Many of us do not receive gifts from our customers, although some wealthier individuals do provide them for specialized services. Nonetheless, it is true that all men who frequent brothels also return home with jewelry, boxes of chocolate, and anything else that will make them feel better for temporarily stepping outside of the marital vows with another human being.

As far as we can tell, no man has ever given flowers to his wife out of regret for a personal masturbation session, and we cannot foresee them doing so after spending time with a piece of silicone. These regrets, so to speak, make up a large percentage of various industries. We would hate to hear about future lay-offs due to the simple fact that we were not willing to continue playing with husbands' emotions.

It is well understood that you in Washington D.C., more than anyone else in the world, know what it means to block off options. And we hope with intense strength that you are willing to use this odd and mysterious talent to better the economy of the United States.

Thank you for listening. We know you will make the right choice for America.