The Sinner

Photos by Vlad Semen

In our deepest, darkest hours, we all come to light. Every single time. But in our sunny days, we all can see the night of our love. When love dies, everything else pales. And we all cry and pray and say strong words. Why? Why me? Why now, goddammit? But it's not about time or motives. It's about ourselves. We know exactly why we lost our love, why we are selfish or why we are so damn sad.


I am a sinner. This is the most accurate definition. It is not a figure of speech, a literary genre. I am a sinner.


A sinner who believes in love, but who lost her love in the trials of life. I've been in the darkest places and I've seen the brightest light. I've tasted the most deceptive and sweetest kisses. I made love with the devil and I've prayed to the spirit of the blue nights. I've listened to the music of my soul and I believed that I was redeemed. But love doesn't understand this message. I had to find my way through life like a beggar.


The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance. Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending.


In some moments, I thought that "love conquers all" is the supreme bullshit. And I've dreamed of solitude or revenge. And then, I've heard something in my dreams: "I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and with him".


What I've needed the most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with jealousy, suspicion and fear.


This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections. I think being a saint is nothing to be wished for. I've been a saint my whole life, and I can confess that it is not some kind of spiritual lesson. Saints are not my type. And nor I am.


Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.


Love has no age, no limit, and no death. And the only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.


I have decided to stick with love, with a new love. Sadness is too great of a burden to bear.