While there seem to be new ones dropping all the time, I still love those little lists people compile about the “types of people you meet on social media.” Every single one seems to filled with its own nuances. You know what I’m talking about: a breakdown of the most egregious habits we see throughout every channel ― from Instagram to Facebook to Snapchat.
I too, started to notice the pockets people naturally form based on their posting habit ― particularly on Facebook ― so I went ahead and made my own list. Each group has its own agenda and personality, but rest assured, they are ALL there.
Let me also say this: All of us are probably guilty of engaging in some or all of these behaviors from time to time, but I’m not talking about the occasional post. I’m talking about the straight up habitual ones. The kind where if you opened a specific person’s Facebook page you would see overwhelming and undeniable evidence of why they fall into a certain category.
So, ladies and gents, here are the six types of posters I (and most likely you) encounter on Facebook on the regular.
1. The News Reporters
Facebook has done many things. It’s allowed us to share aspects of our lives with friends all over the globe on a daily basis. It has reestablished and deepened connections we may have lost over the years. And, my god, it has created an entire movement of people who feel it’s their responsibility to share every effing piece of news that breaks.
Every day, there are those people who have become reporters by proxy, and rehash every news item from outlets of their choice just to make sure you haven’t missed the top headlines. Some gravitate toward celeb gossip, others toward politics and some are all over the place. But rest assured Facebook-land, these self-proclaimed Tom-Brokaws-in-training take their jobs very seriously and do not miss a beat!
2. The Cryptics
We ALL have them in our feed. They’re the ones who will drop a status like, “Just received the most amazing news everrrrrrrr!” or a negative version like, “Mess with me one more time and you will see what I am really made of.” Then when others comment asking what’s going on, they are completely ignored by said poster or even openly shut down.
Listen, nobody can force you to share what you don’t want to share about your life on your own social media, but what’s the point of the cryptic, passive-aggressive posts that you know are going to open the floodgates?
3. The Shameless Selfie Takers
I’m not talking about the selfies with friends at a wedding. I’m talking about those people who literally post a solo selfie every effing day of the week ― in the car, the bathroom mirror, the gym (those could almost be their own category actually). And while we are on this topic, can someone please explain to me the thing where grown women take selfies with their tongue out like a toddler?
4. The Doom and Gloomers
If there is a post, a story or anything that is fueled with negativity and sadness it is most definitely on this person’s page. All day, every day ― murders, kidnappings, sick children, abused animals. If there were ever a page you needed to pop a Xanax for before visiting, it belongs to one of these people.
5. The Ranters
Sometimes, we all need a good vent sesh. We call our moms, dads, spouses, besties, and just spill until we have purged it all out and feel therapized. Not these peeps. They save it all for The Book. Every post is an anger-filled account of something that has royally pissed them off. It could be as small as an interaction with a customer service rep from a demon cable company or as big as a politically based argument. They are usually paragraphs long and you either stop reading after the first chunk and subsequently roll your eyes, or you are so fired up you are ready to join them in their quest to destroy the source of the rant in question. It can literally go either way.
6. The Perfect Ones
These are by FAR the worst of the crew. They are the ones who are in perfect marriages with perfect children and perfect pets living in perfect houses. Their husbands bring home flowers every day, their kids are basically on the verge of curing cancer and every damn day their life resembles waking up in a Disney-esque castle with birds chirping and rainbows at every turn. There might even be unicorns... I’m not sure.
They share pics of every vase of flowers their husband brings home and every story about their children donating their allowance to the homeless. You start to question your life and wonder where you effed up so badly because you are currently trying to find a clean pair of yoga pants so you can drop off the third grade science project you just finished and pick up your child since school just called that they have pink eye... again. I actually think it’s very possible that this group may have been the impetus behind the “hide” function.
This list could no doubt double and even triple in size, but this probably covers the main offenders. And yes, it’s possible to fall into more than one group. That my friends, is what we call a Power Poster.