The Sound Of Silence (Lessons Of A Single Mom)

My boys went off on vacation with their dad for four days while I stayed home by myself. *Sniff*

The longest we’d ever been apart was 24 hours (unfortunately, my ex’s work schedule makes the typical swapping of weekends, or half-weeks, impossible). So, while on one hand I knew it was great for them to spend this extended period of time with their dad, I had to face the reality of a home with no kids. For four days. Which sounds like a dream, I know. But when you don’t have a partner (yet) and all you’ve known for two years is life with your kids, it’s a bit unsettling. As is the anxiety of having them far away, on a beach, in the care of others (I may be on meds, but separation anxiety is unstoppable).

The anticipation was the worst. I got choked up at the mere thought of their departure. But when the day came I felt a certain calm come over me. And when their dad’s new love drove off with them and her daughter in the car (he was out of town and meeting them en route), I waved and felt...happy! Happy for them...and happy for me!

Until I went inside. Then...I felt...lost.

I paced. Paced some more. Looked around. Listened to the silence. Racked my brain for ideas of what to do. And, naturally, I called my sister.

“What are you guys up to today?” I asked.

”We’re going to grab lunch out and then go back to school shopping.” she replied.

“Great! I said. And I joined them.

What a ludicrous idea, you might think. Why would I want spend time with kids -- shopping, no less! -- when my own were gone? I could have done whatever I wanted!

I simply needed something to do. Something to keep my mind occupied. And hey, I had a beer with my lunch. I could tune out my niece and nephew if I wanted...wander around the store aimlessly, browse, go to the restroom in peace, etc. It wasn’t half-bad. I quite enjoyed myself.

When I got home that evening, I started to get in the groove. I enjoyed the silence. No dinner to make, no bedtime routine to enforce. I didn’t even have to keep the volume down on the TV when my kids would normally be in bed (though I caught myself adjusting it time and time again).

Honestly, the best part of that day was receiving text messages from my ex’s new love, keeping me updated on the trip. One from a rest area, another from the airport where they picked up my ex, and the last when they arrived at their destination. She assured me the boys were doing great. I felt at ease...and so appreciative of her thoughtfulness. Moms unite, right? Thank goodness he found a gem.

Finally, I enjoyed glorious, uninterrupted sleep, and then a quiet morning with only myself on which to focus. No breakfasts to prepare, lunches to pack, clothes to pick out and bug them to put on (over and over). No fights to break up, complaints to field, crises to fix. Nope, just little old me, drinking my coffee, leisurely enjoying the morning.

I’d planned to take the day off from work but had nothing I intended to do. There was a brief period where I was unsure I’d enjoy it, but once I chose a direction, I got into it. I decided to go for a walk and then tackle my kids’ bedroom. It was in such bad shape one could barely walk in it. I will admit my kids could be better about cleaning up after themselves, but in their defense, when two people share a very small room it’s tough to keep it tidy. I did a ton of cleaning up and rearranging and it felt great.

Next on the agenda was meeting my best friend for dinner. It was a lovely summer evening and we ate dinner and drank wine on an outside deck overlooking the ocean... scallops to die for... a few of my favorite things. Again, I got home to quiet and zero responsibilities. I fully appreciated it.

By the next morning I was getting used to it. Loving it, even. Such freedom! The silence! Off to work I went (and was even on time, with no little ones to worry about). That night, I spontaneously met up with a friend who invited a friend. The three of us had a blast. Went to three different restaurants/bars. Laughed, talked about boys (and I don’t mean my sons), enjoyed some libations. I actually stayed out until 8:30. Funny how that seems late when you normally have to be home by 7:00 (on the nights when my kids are with their dad).

I was on a high when I got home. Feeling a little sad that the next day was the end of what I now realized was much-needed time alone... But at the same time, I was missing my kids.

Another quiet, easy morning. A full day at work. And then the preparation for their arrival home, which was delayed, due to traffic.

I cleaned the house, got dinner ready, felt the excitement brewing... and when they pulled up, I was right there, arms wide open, beaming, and ready for hugs. My oldest got out of the car first. “I want to go back to the Cape.” Moping. Youngest got out, “I’m going to miss Daddy.” Pouty face.

My heart stopped. Noooo! This isn’t the reunion I envisioned! They were supposed to miss me! To be happy to be home! To be ready to leave vacation behind!

At the same time, I got it. My ex’s family house on Cape Cod was always my favorite place to be. A very sad thing to lose in the divorce. I understand the difficulty saying goodbye.

But what about me? I’m their mom!

Well, as friends/family/Facebook reminded me...they were transitioning back to real life. It’s always hard to return from vacation. They were with their dad for the longest time since the divorce. Of course they loved it! It wasn’t a reflection on me. It was a reflection on their needs. They craved this time with their dad, at this place everyone in the family considers to be special.

And they got just that. No wonder it was hard to leave behind.

In no time, we were back to the old routine. Same old love/hate relationship with the day-after-day. Same struggles. But now I look ahead to the next separation with a bit more optimism than the last...

That sound of silence? It can be a good thing... for everyone.