If you're opposed to satire. Please leave.
***
When I grow up, I want to be a squirting princess. I want to holler during every orgasm as I spray my lady-juice all over the world. I want to ejaculate repeatedly, only resting to adjust my tiara.
I've squirted three times in my life and I'm hungry for more. I'm unbelievably jealous of women who squirt every time they climax. It's definitely a case of 'I'll have what she's having."
I was 17 when I first experienced squirting; I'd been at a friend's house smoking weed. When I crawled into the comfort of my own bed, I began to masturbate and within minutes I was experiencing female ejaculation.
It was the most satisfying release and to this day I still analyse my masturbatory session, trying to recreate the magic. Was it the weed? Was it because I was so relaxed? Did I do something different that night? I wish I had the answers, but unfortunately, I don't.
My second and third times squirting were with an ex-partner. Kudos to his conscientious tongue-work. It would be something to do with his technique, right? Because what are the odds of him gifting me twice with an ejaculatory orgasm? I guess I could always call his wife?
"Hello, is that wifey? I'm Vanessa, one of your husband's ex-screws. I was just calling to ask if I could borrow him for an hour as my puss needs a good lick."
Somehow I don't think that conversation would go down too well but perhaps his wife and I could come to a compromise? I could get her a slurpee and some popcorn and she could cheer from the sidelines. After all, good cunnilingus is a sport.
I am post-squirt. I've been post-squirt for years. I want to be pre-squirt. I want to be in squirt-production god damn it!
Men get to ejaculate all the time, some women do too. It seems ejaculation discriminates. Why is that? Why can't I ejaculate all the time? Please don't discriminate against me dearest squirt. I am deserving of full sexual release.
When I grow up, I want to be a squirting princess. I want to holler during every orgasm as I spray my lady-juice all over the world. I want to ejaculate repeatedly, only resting to adjust my tiara.
My time will come...!
Vanessa de Largie is an actress, author, writer and sex-blogger.
LIKE her Facebook Fan Page