The State of the Union Address I Wish President Obama Would Give: 'I'm Not Going to Waste a Minute Trying to Work With You'

Good evening.

The New York Times reports that I'm willing to work "with or without" Congress to achieve my goals.

That's not quite right.

I'm not going to waste one minute trying to work with you.

Not because I don't want to.

Because you won't work with me.

So I have no agenda to present to you tonight. You don't want to hear it. You're not going to vote for it.

But the networks have given me an hour.

How best can I use it?

This way: I'm going to show the American people why nothing gets done here. Why bad things happen to decent people. And, mostly, what hypocrites you are.

Start with the deficit. Republicans would tell you that I am the champion of Big Government and Big Deficits and if I'm not stopped I'll bankrupt this country.

Here's a fact you won't hear on Fox: For the first quarter of fiscal 2014, which began Oct. 1, red ink dropped by almost 40 percent compared to the first quarter a year ago.

Here's another: The deficit has gone down so much that the federal government actually ran a surplus for December.

Those facts get in the way of the Republican plan for my Presidency, which is to make sure nothing I propose gets accomplished. In order to do that, they have to hurt everyone who's not rich, everyone who's working hard to make ends meet, everyone who needs help.

Let's talk about food stamps. Last year, the House voted to cut $40 billion from the SNAP program. You remember how they spun that -- food stamps discourage people from getting off their couches and looking for work. You know who they mean. Welfare queens. Drug users. Moochers. Or, to cut right to it, Hispanics and African-Americans.

The facts? Our economy is still so battered that one in every seven Americans qualifies for food stamps. Almost a third of the adults in the SNAP program are employed. Almost a quarter are looking for work. Let's not forget the elderly, disabled or children. Here's a newsflash: The fastest growing segment of Americans who now qualify for food stamps? Workers with some college training.

Who is most deserving of government support? How about 13 Republicans in the House of Representatives. These men and women just can't make it on a salary of $174,000. So they not only voted to cut the SNAP budget -- they kept every dollar they got from farm subsidies.

As I call your name, please stand up so we can all see what hypocrisy looks like.

Robert Aderholt, from Alabama
Blake Farenthold, from Texas
Vicky Hartzler, from Missouri
John Kline, from Minnesota
Doug LaMalfa, from California
Tom Latham, from Iowa
Frank Lucas, from Oklahoma
Cynthia Lummis, from Wyoming
Randy Neugebauer, from Texas
Kristi Noem, from South Dakota
Marlin Stutzman, from Indiana
Mac Thornberry, from Texas

I want to give a special shout-out to Stephen Fincher, from Tennessee. Over the years, he's received farm subsidies totaling $3,483,824. This is not only the most money any Representative has received, it goes to a Congressman who had the... let's call it "patriotic fervor"... to introduce a bill that would require states that want to receive full funding for welfare assistance to force its citizens to waive their Fourth Amendment rights. That's right -- they'd mandate random drug testing. Want food stamps? Pee in this cup! Well done, sir!

No list of obstructionists would be complete without Paul Ryan. The Congressman is our national conscience when it comes to cutting spending for people who can't afford lobbyists. Last year, he outdid himself: he supported a bill that would save $6 billion over the next decade by cutting the annual cost-of-living adjustment for working age military retirees by 1 percent.

Cutting retirement benefits for the military -- mind-blowing, isn't it? And why? I quote Congressman Ryan: "Those in the military have not paid into their retirements." He went further and warned us what voting more money to military retirees might lead to. "If we don't watch it," he said, "the military is going to become a government benefits agency that fights wars on the side."

Technically, of course, Congressman Ryan is right. Our soldiers have not put money into a retirement account. Instead, they've given intangibles that are, apparently, of no value: sacrifice, service, patriotism. Please take a bow, Congressman. And good luck in 2016.

I could go on. But you get the idea. If I propose anything that helps the American people, it goes nowhere. Worse, the Republicans then introduce bills specifically designed to make your lives harder. The way they see it, you can never be made to suffer enough.

So I'm ignoring Congress. I'll focus on things I can achieve domestically by appointment and internationally by diplomacy. And if the Republicans find that to be grounds for impeachment, I have two words for them: Bring it.

I see we have some time left. And it turns out not everyone who wanted to get married could make it to the Grammy the other night. So if the Sergeant at Arms will open the doors... please welcome Grammy winners Macklemore and Ryan Lewis... with Queen Latifah... and 20 couples who will be united in matrimony here tonight.

One love. Same love. And God Bless America.