Recently, Facebook reminded me it was my 8-year anniversary on the social networking site. A lot has changed in that time, including the circle of friends I interact with on a daily basis. Back in 2007, it seemed like the only people I knew on there were five queens from college and a few friends I made studying improv at The UCB Theater. But little by little, the entire world showed up, and now, I've reconnected with practically every distant relative, friend I tried to ditch in the 90s and Grindr trick I ever met. But due to Facebook's ever-changing algorithms, this didn't happen randomly. Connecting with these people took place in definite stages, or as I like to call it...The Ten Stages of Gay Facebook Friending.
1: Reconnecting With High School Friends.
This stage involves a lot of excitement over reconnecting with other gaylords from the drama club which quickly wears off when they tag you in pics from 10th grade when you had braces and some sort of ill-conceived mushroom haircut.
2: Friending That Weirdo Girl From 5th Grade
You know, the one who always smelled like that powder they used to clean throw-up?
3. Deleting That Ignorant Homophobe From Junior High
At first, those pics he posted from his job at the gas station brought on some serious blue collar fantasies, but the second he posted that rant against gay marriage, he was chopped faster than you could type, "#ItGotWorse."
4. Approving Family Requests From "Cousins" You Haven't Seen Since 1998
Involves a lot of, "How am I related to this person?" and "Her children are hideous."
5: Connecting With Co-Workers
Getting friend requests from Suzie in accounting and Daniel from legal seems great, until you discover they are complete and total bores you have nothing in common with who constantly post their high scores on Candy Crush Saga.
6. Adding That Drag Queen/DJ/Promoter/Gay Singer/Comic
The nonstop posts of YouTube videos, Kickstarters and events these people produce every night of the week eventually winds up getting them blocked. Are they on crystal? Adderall? When do these people sleep? (Full disclosure: This person is me.)
7. Accepting That A+ Scruff Trick From 2014
A "Wait, who is that?" quickly turns into a "Fuck, yes!" as you start poking each other > sending each other dick pics > hooking up again.
8. Ignoring That C- Grindr Trick From 2012
Eek. How did he even find you? Oh, wait, you gave him your phone number cuz he had bad WiFi. Damn. Ignore.
9. Adding 450 Guys You Want to Sleep With
Little by little, they start showing up as "People You Might Know" even though they're actually "People You Want To Know": Hot, shirtless guys with tats all over their chest and killer beards. Grrr.
10. Unfollowing Said Men Within One Month
Just a few weeks of being friends with these studs quickly reveals they are either fake profiles of weird, old men in Idaho, or actual profiles of insanely dumb guys who write misspelt posts about the five circuit parties they went to that weekend. But be sure and keep some of them around, because the constant selfies they post do provide great J/O material when you're in a pinch.
Greg Scarnici is the author of "I Hope My Mother Doesn't Read This." Connect with him and his social networks on www.gregscarnici.com