The Third Transcript: Trump Telephones Mussolini

Earlier today, transcripts of telephone conversations between President Donald Trump and the leaders of Mexico and Australia came to light. Even more compelling is the transcript below of the first call between President Trump and his fellow dictator, Benito Mussolini:

TRUMP: This is Donald J. Trump, the President of the United States. Can you hear me? Are you listening to me? Jared, did you call the right number?

MUSSOLINI [in broken English]: Yes, Mr. President. It is I.

TRUMP: What should I call you? You like to be called the Doo-cey [Il Duce – ed.], right? Ill Doo-cey? You know, we’ve got a reporter here named Steve Doocey. Good guy, very solid. No fake news, unlike that nasty woman Megyn Kelly, or that stupid guy Don Lemon, dumb as a rock. Anyway, I’m calling all the world leaders, just checking in, giving everyone their marching orders. I gotta tell you, the Emperor of Japan is a real sweet guy, and he’s a very sharp cookie, like a fortune cookie. Did you hear about my inauguration crowd? It was amazing, totally tremendous. We had more people at my inauguration than the people who died in World War I. But you would know about that better than me. And the inauguration parties afterward – woo-woo! All the hottest babes. I’m telling you. We were partying like it was 1941.

MUSSOLINI [in Italian, to his aides, hand cupping the phone]: “This man is a fool. More wind comes out of his mouth than his ass. Porca puttana!”

MUSSOLINI [in broken English]: Mr. President, you are a very direct man. You speak what is in your brain. As we say in Italy, “faccia da culo.” It is a great compliment.

TRUMP: I hear you like hats. I’ve seen pictures of you wearing big, beautiful hats, the best hats, terrific, great style. Like that red one, very classy, it looks like a Shriner’s hat. I could send you one of my hats. It says “Make America Great Again.” I can get you a red one. Just say the word, and I’ll have the Air Force fly one right over to you. We could tape it to a bomb, ha-ha! Just kidding. I wouldn’t do that, I like what you’ve done as dictator. Just line up those reporters and shoot them! No more fake news! You know how to win! And plus, you make the trains run on time, which is really, really important. Were you a businessman before you were a dictator? Because I know you’re like me, really tough. Anyone who can make the trains run on time would be a very good businessman, big-league. I think you’re like that, and I never misjudge anyone. I’m a perfect judge of character. Always have been.

MUSSOLINI [in broken English]: Mr. President, the President before you put sanctions on my country after we brought civilization to the Ethiopians. We want to buy your petrol, and we pay good money, in American dollars.

TRUMP: He did that? What a loser. I guess they don’t teach you how to make a deal in community organizer school for moron lightweights. I know how to make a deal, a great deal. Cut off trade with a European country? Wrong! My friend Rex can help you with that petroleum in no time, no problem-o. Hey, look, I speak Italian! Just kidding. I’ll have Steve Bannon type up some Executive Order. Hey, Steve, you’re listening on the line, go do that. Steve really likes you guys. He always says that fascists are good people. But I like to make a deal, you know, so you’ve got to do something for me, OK? That’s me being smart. I want some land overlooking the Vatican, where I can build a top-dollar Trump hotel, the best in Italy, and people can look down on Peter, Paul and Mary Square, or whatever you call it there. We’ll use your Italian marble, whatever, some stained glass, a couple million on some fancy chandeliers. Really gorgeous, the best. When we’re done with it, the Pope will want to move in permanently, believe me. Someone from here will contact you about it. Jared, are you taking notes? I won’t have anything to do with it, of course. This is just between you and me. But don’t forget. You definitely shouldn’t forget, if you know what I mean.

MUSSOLINI [in Italian, to his aides]: “If a dirty pig could speak words, this is what he would say. What else does he want, a bocchino? Faccila te’ mangia batta! These stupid North Americans show how democracy can destroy a country.”

MUSSOLINI [in broken English]: Mr. President, it is a great pleasure to meet a great man such as yourself. As I often say to my friends, vaffanculo. I say the same to you, and I hope that it results in lasting friendship.

TRUMP: Yeah, thanks, I think you’re a great guy too. A lot better than that pissy little Frenchman who didn’t want to shake hands with me, but he bear-hugged Merkel. She’s a two! No wonder the Germans keep winning against the French. Losers! But you’re definitely my kind of guy. Do you golf? Let’s play golf sometimes, maybe at my club in Scotland, after you invade it! Ha-ha!

MUSSOLINI [in broken English]: It would be a great honor for me, Mr. President. As you say in America, “have a nice day.” [He hangs up.]

MUSSOLINI [in Italian, to his aides]: “Zoccola! Brutto cornuto, Donald Trump!” [He spits on the floor.]

TRUMP: The Italians love me!

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