Stefon is three years old this month. Sure, he's a hypersexual three-year-old with unstoppable daddy issues who potentially disposes of exes by murdering them and taking them to the Carribean. But he is celebrating a birthday.
We should celebrate.
So let's bring him on a club crawl to the five hottest clubs of the past three years. Hop onboard this party bus/puke party and, for the sake of their safety, let's keep him away from little people.
Somebody call Snoozin Lucci. It's about to get dreamy. -- Ben Collins
5 - Mmmmmmmhmmmm
Opened in 2010, this active crime scene is the creation of lazily named drag queen Melvin In A Dress. It has stickballs, pickpockets, cookie crisp, a Pakistani family that cuts in line at Universal Studios.
Stefon's special friend Derek Zoolander stops by the set to promote his big Halloween blow out, which will benefit The Derek Zoolander Foundation For Fat Kids Who Are Fat But Not In A Cute Way Like That Fat Kid On "Modern Family," and remind folks that prescription drugs are also fun.
Ben Stiller's cameo is classic, but it's even more fun to see Seth get jealous for the first time when Stefon tells him that New York's hottest male model is his plus-one. Seth and Stefon are fresh off their summer vacation together, so we can see why that would sting. So how IS your back, Seth?--Naivasha Dean
4 - Spicy
Opened in 2017 on the Upper East Side of a dumpster, it's a 24-hour bitchfest and the creation of club owner Rabbi Jew Diamond Phillips. This place has everything: Sand worms, geishas, rock eaters, a seven-level course in adult education.
Stefon rises to the occasion of Mother's Day and gives New Yorkers some great tips on a place to relax with their old ladies: "Spicy," the creation of Rabbi Jew Diamond Phillips, a club where you can kick back in a Subway Sleeping Bag (that's the thing of when you're on the train and you sit between two guys in Fubu jackets).
The best thing about this clip: we get a rare insight into Stefon's enigmatic, trash can-dwelling existence: his father is David Bowie, his mother is Ms. Stefon, and his best friend is two-year old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson, who has fists like little empanadas.
Seth also gets a swift kiss on the cheek from Stefon - a precursor of much better kisses to come.--Naivasha Dean
3 - Booooooooof
Located in an abandoned orphanage on the lower, lower east side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke-party is the creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozin Lucci. This place has pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones and a coked-up Gremlin named Gizbo.
Stefon has some great suggestions for NYC couples planning to step out for Valentine's Day , including "Boooooooof," a round-the-clock puke party with a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones. Luckily for Stefon, who is all alone on Valentine's Day (awwwww), Seth gets struck by Jewpid's arrow and makes Stefon his Valentine, just for the night.
But what makes this Stefon appearance truly great is the sheer number of times that Bill Hader just loses it. He just can't. He doesn't even try to keep it together as he tells Seth about human suitcases (that's the thing of when a midget on roller skates wears all of your clothes and you pull them through an airport).--Naivasha Dean
This club is a burned down Red Lobster. It has everything: A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. Those shoes that nurses wear. And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.
Sure, the burned down Red Lobster, the implication that Stefon is a Caribbean murderer, the fact that Bill Hader has apparently been practicing impressions for 75-year-old cartoon characters who have PTSD -- those are all great. But is anybody going to see if Bill Hader is okay? That's the most convincing Divorced Dad voice ever committed to film.--Ben Collins
1 - ...Kevin?
Opened at gunpoint in a Lady Foot Locker, this Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay runningback Blow J. Simpson. And there's a VIP room for football jellyfish. It's a thing of when an NFL player has that helmet but with the skinny dreads hanging out.
Hands down, this clip has everything -- that is, some of the most memorable "everythings" Stefon has shared with us from New York City's club scene: "...Kevin?" the club that opened at gunpoint in a Lady Foot Locker, heprechauns (leprechauns with Hep-C), that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited and human roombas - "that thing when you put a midget on a skateboard and it slides around on your floor eating garbage."
Besides Stefon's fascinating -- and traumatic -- club recommendations for St. Paddy's Day, we're giving this one the crown mostly for one reason: the long, amazing, and long-awaited Sethon kiss. It goes down when Stefon gives his beloved journalist crush Seth Meyers a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button. Seth reads it, then Stefon boldly leans over for a kiss. Sneaky bastard. We face-palmed, but in a totally good way.--Sheila Dichoso