Money has always been an awkward topic I choose not to talk about. The reason could be because I never really had money. I grew up in a middle class family and money was tight at times. We could never just got out and splurge on whatever we chose. I mean, as a kid, I went on plenty of vacations and I know for a fact we weren't poor, but money was always a sore subject for me.
And, then, during college, since I only had a part-time job, I wasn't sure to spend too much because well, most of it went toward books and school supplies. I was never able to just randomly go out and get my nails or hair done, spend mounds of dough on clothes or shoes or do anything of that sort. It always had to be saved and went straight into my bank account. I yearned to have a real life where I didn't have to worry about it, but that didn't happen.
My first full-time job was a measly amount and still, I wasn't able to move out, go out or have fun. Sometimes when my friends asked to hang out or go out to eat, I had to make an excuse because I was too embarrassed to admit that I simply couldn't afford it.
When it came for asking for a higher pay, I always felt quite awkward and avoided the subject at all costs. I never talked about money, yet it was always in the back of my mind sitting and waiting to be brought up. Then, when I obtained another full-time job that was slightly higher, in the end it didn't matter because I wasn't able to enjoy myself.
Then, when my boyfriend was presented with a job in Tennessee, I went with him for a few reasons: I hoped to finally find a full-time job worth having, I've always wanted to move to Tennessee and I simply wanted to get away and live a new life. So, I went with him and within a week, I landed a full-time job. But, this job simply paid about the same as my first job and so, I complained to my boyfriend about money and he told me to keep looking for something. I felt absolutely frustrated because I seriously needed this money more than ever now that him and I lived in our own.
In terms of the full-time job, things didn't work out, so I began freelancing and searching for a part-time job. I've always wanted to become a freelance writer and so I did. My boyfriend helped out here and there with money, but I truly knew I could not rely on him the rest of my life. It simply wasn't fair and I knew it.
To my shock, three months after we moved to TN, I finally found a full-time job that I make decent money and I really enjoy. Regardless though, I think I'll always be worried and paranoid when it comes to money. Since I've never really had it, I believe I'll always feel like I need more and more.