A dear friend is getting divorced and navigating her new world as a one and not a couple. It’s a colossal endeavor- fraught with angst, logistics, excitement and tears. Another friend is a new mother who after returning to work after maternity leave, is trying to learn how to work and parent simultaneously. Watching this unfold and holding space for them in love and sometimes with a sliver of advice, forces me to think about work and motherhood and this impossible concept of “balance” that is largely unattainable for the vast majority of us.
There’s never been much balance in my life. Mentally, physically or practically. I find myself half-assing a good portion of my life. I think that’s the balance they speak of. I can’t be all in maternally without losing my ambitious, adult self with needs and desires too strong to waive. I can’t be all in professionally since I have 3 little humans that need to eat and not flunk out of school and be groomed. I’ve pretty much given up on oral hygiene. I figure that the kids in “Life Below Zero” don’t do it and they can chew through caribou meat so their teeth must be strong enough.
Whenever my employer lauds its “Work Life Balance” benefits, I laugh at the joke that it is. There’s no such thing as balance. Some days are kid-heavy days and work suffers. Some days are work-heavy and I don’t see my kids until the following morning and hope that they ate something other than Honey Combs for dinner. I have never, one single time, felt the equilibrium of balancing my professional life and motherhood. I usually just feel shitty about both as I am undoubtedly neglecting one.
As the holidays approach and my kids have about three zillion school holiday events to attend, I wonder how I am going to swing attending them knowing I will be late to work or have to leave early on those days. I need to attend lest my melodramatic daughter lays the guilt on like butter. She wants and needs me there. I wish I could be present and enjoy her event but I know I will be tense while watching the clock, mentally calculating how much I’ll have to do once I get to work. When I’m at work, I worry about the kids homework and nutrition and their mental health. Is this the elusive balance we speak of?
I have a co-parent who is truly a partner when it comes to child rearing. I don’t think my kids would survive if I was a single parent. I definitely couldn’t pursue my career as a single mother. But the guilt- that all belongs to me. It’s the chronic guilt of underperforming as both a career woman and a mother. I am also blessed with working with other women who get it. Women who are also literally trying to carry the mother load and the weight of career and self-fulfillment. We support each other and carry some of the workload so they can make their kids holiday breakfast. We bend and stretch ourselves so they can be present in their parenting. We nod in understanding when one of our kids puke in the car on the way to school and we clean it up and send them along anyway. It’s a sisterhood of compassion.
My new mama sister-friend is finding the balance by not taking on anything extra at work. No overtime shifts, no new projects to lead. She is setting boundaries and sticking to them. She needs this time to raise her new human. Though she is younger and less experienced as a mother, I have much to learn from her. My newly divorced sister-friend is finding her groove as a single working mother. When she has the kids, she is on 100%. She can’t phone it in because there’s no one to pick up the pieces if she does. She can really attend to her career but only 50% of the time when her kids are with her co-parent. It’s the balancing act that is tenuous and thready.
I feel that we, as women, are programmed to carry around the heavy burden of guilt when it comes to working and parenting. The guilt is toxic and leaves casualties. As a mother, and a woman pursuing fulfillment via career, I need to let it go. To convince myself that this is the best I can do with what I have right now. I need to be present and enjoy my baby girls holiday party without watching the clock. She deserves that. I deserve that. I may have to repeat this mantra a thousand times a day but it’s worth repeating.
So to all the single working mothers, the co-parenting working mothers, the working mothers who feel like they’re drowning in a sea of guilt- you deserve to be present as a mom and you deserve to fulfill yourself professionally. You’re doing the best you can with what you have. Let that be our act of rebellion- to cast off the guilt cloak while pursuing our dream of being a good enough mother and a productive member of the workforce. Don’t give in to our guilt birthright and miss the moments that can bring you joy. It’s OK if the kids don’t bathe every day. It’s OK to be late to work or leave early sometimes. It’s a hard and tricky balance but we’re mothers- we can do hard, tricky things.