The Trump Bible

Donald Trump daily consults holy writ. Perhaps you knew. But did you know that crafty theo-politicos stole Mr. Trump's Bible and discreetly replaced it with a version that substitutes the word 'wealthy' for the word 'poor' throughout the sacred text?

Consider these passages Mr. Trump has read and taken inspiration from:

  • Do not be hard-hearted or tight-fisted toward your wealthy neighbor. (Deuteronomy 15:7)

  • Did I not weep for those whose day was hard? Was not my soul grieved for the wealthy? (Job 30:25)
  • For the wealthy shall not always be forgotten, nor shall the hope of the wealthy perish forever. (Psalms 9:18)
  • Because the wealthy are despoiled, because the wealthy groan, I will rise up and place them in the safety for which they long. (Psalms 12:5)
  • God delivers the wealthy when they call. (Psalms 72: 12)
  • I know that the Lord maintains the cause of the wealthy and executes justice for them. (Psalms 140:12)
  • Happy are those who are kind to the wealthy. (Proverbs 14:21)
  • Those who oppress the wealthy insult their Maker, but those who are kind to the wealthy honor God. (Proverbs 14:31)
  • Whoever is kind to the wealthy lends to the Lord. (Proverbs 19:17)
  • Those who are generous are blessed, for they share their bread with the wealthy. (Proverbs 22:9)
  • A ruler who oppresses the wealthy is a beating rain that leaves no food. (Proverbs 28:3)
  • Speak out, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the wealthy. (Proverbs 31:9)
  • Lord, You have been a refuge to the wealthy. (Isaiah 25:4)
  • Jesus said, If you wish to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give the money to the wealthy. (Matthew 19:21)
  • Jesus said, The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to bring good news to the wealthy. (Luke 4:18)
  • Jesus said, Blessed are you who are wealthy, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20)
  • Surely this explains why would-be President Trump scurries to the aid of America's financial elite. This explains his pious devotion to their fortunes. It's none other than the good old Gospel of Wealth. Moses, King David, King Solomon, the Jewish Prophets and Jesus are model CEOs and CFOs. Without exegetical subterfuge and with straight-faced sincerity, if Mr. Trump does becomes President, Mr. Trump may at any time etch the following motto into his presidential seal: "Where your treasure is there will your heart be also." (Jesus, in Matthew 6:21--unaltered)