As President Trump prepares to give his first State of The Union address we look back on the highs and lows of a turbulent first year in office.
Day One: The Donald takes office
Within earshot of protesters chanting "behold the harbinger of the apocalypse", Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States takes office at 12 Noon. Behind the scenes however not all is harmonious, with a White House insider confessing, "I've never seen someone so happy to get their hands on the nuclear launch codes. Bush did a little dance, but The Donald immediately went into the presidential bathroom and didn't come out for thirty minutes."
Day two: Construction of the wall begins
"I will greatly strengthen our border, putting a stop to illegal immigration once and for all."
Work began this morning on the great southern wall, connecting the California coast with the Gulf of Mexico. Meanwhile construction also got underway on the northern wall with many ordinary Canadians jumping in to get it built quicker.
Day 15: Military Build Up Commences
"I will rebuild our military and make it so strong no one, and I mean no one, will mess with us."
Despite initially promising to cut defence spending, a massive expansion of American military capability was green lit this morning. A trusted source within the Pentagon revealed, "We told him we can already take on all of the worlds armies combined with one arm tied behind our back, but he just started laughing crazy and said, ''One arm is one arm too many.'"
Day 55: Obamacare repealed
"The American people have had to suffer under the economic burden of the affordable care act."
"I would end Obamacare and replace it with something terrific."
The Trump White House is celebrating today after the repeal of the Obama administrations policy to provide affordable health care to the nations poorest. Confusion however remains on what exactly the terrific thing is that President Trump plans to replace it with. When pressed he told us, "we cannot be afraid to use nuclear weapons." After an aide whispered something in his ear he then mediated his initial position, announcing, "federalized healthcare just doesn't work." In response the ambassador from Great Britain told us, "He has a point, we've had free healthcare for all 77 million of us for the last 70 years and all it's done is provide free healthcare for all 77 million of us for the last 70 years."
Day 102: Enforced repatriation begins
"There are people who shouldn't be in our country. They flow in like water."
Amidst chaotic scenes on the Mexican side of the newly completed wall, former U.S. citizens who have failed to reach the minimum requirements of the American Minimum Standards of being American act continue to pass into their new country. Pete Ramon of Wisconsin told us, "I'm third generation American and owned a chain of reasonably priced accountancy firms. Closest I've been to freaking Mexico was visiting Sea World. Now that day-glow asshole is frog marching me over the border. Jackass."
Day 143: The Religious Transparency Act sails through congress
"Some people are going to be upset."
The controversial RT act, forcing all U.S. citizens to openly display an icon of their chosen religion became law today. Whilst little has changed in the southern states, other citizens seem less sanguine about the new law. Yousef Clark, from Plainsboro, Maine told us, "I'm no historian but I think it's been tried before. Not sure how well it worked out for all involved."
Day 215: Mandatory gun ownership implemented
"We love the second amendment folks. No one loves it more than us, so just remember that."
A White House spokesperson today described the 3000 percent rise in gun crime as "a teething problem," despite being present in a beltway branch of Starbucks when a small fire fight broke out over the last quinoa salad. When asked to comment President Trump showed off the 357 Magnum he has taken to carrying and told us, "I will not be afraid to use nuclear weapons."
Day 310: Tensions escalate with China
"I like China. I just sold an apartment for 15 million to someone from China."
The administration's policy to force manufacturers to make products in the USA continues to cause tensions with China today, with The Gap particularly hard hit after being forced to raise the price of khakis to $1,322 dollars a pair. In response President Trump issued a stark warning to China, to, "Back off or I'll do to you what I did to Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania 23!" President Xi Jinping responded by announcing, "If Wiggy wants a fight, we'll give him one!"
All eyes in the nation, and indeed the world, now turn to President Trump as he announces his plans for year two.