Co Authored by Liz Cohen, writer
After a busy day touring the Old City and shaking hands (vigorously) with the who’s who of Israel, one can imagine that all the Trumps wanted to do tonight was kick back and let loose (go on, Melania, you deserve it).
Luckily, they had the best double dinner date in town – joining the Netanyahus at the Israeli Prime Minister’s Jerusalem residence on Balfour Street. Sara and Bibi certainly know how to have a good time (and pay for it), and no expense has been spared: the red carpet has been laid, the bubbly aplenty and no curfew.
Here are all the juicy details of what happened at the Commander in Chief’s house call - right after the signing of the guest book:
THE MENU
Enough with the ketchup on well-done steak… for this week. Since Donald Trump, who has proudly articulated a love of fast food (especially McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Wendy's; he claims they are ‘guaranteed to be safe from any contaminants’) the hors d'oeuvres were generously sponsored by The Colonel himself. The dining began with Mini Tower Burgers; it’s basically a schnitzel (a nod to the locals), coated in a secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, accompanied with a golden hash brown, decadent tasty tomato mustard sauce, crisp lettuce and sweet mayo. (Note that the cheese will be eliminated to adhere to Kosher guidelines.)
Of course this was paired with Sara Netanyahu’s favorite NV Armand de Brignac Ace of Spades Rosé. Bibi and Sara know that ‘The Donald’ takes his food very seriously (and even considered duplicating the US President’s red button in the Oval Office - the one, when pushed, summons a butler with a Coke.) Therefore, dinner was Trump’s mother’s famous meatloaf recipe. Martha Stewart was even flown in to make the dish herself. For dessert, both couples took a dip in a pool of pistachio ice cream.
WARDROBE
What did President Trump wear tonight? Israelis are known for some bold fashion choices, and like they say, when in Rome (that’s actually on Wednesday, so tonight Trump continued to don his signature dark suit and red power tie). As for the First Lady, Melania skipped the exclusive Karl Lagerfeld white cashmere, and got comfortable in a borrowed piece from Bar Raphaeli’s favorite Hoodies ad.
Disappointingly, it seems Prime Minister Netanyahu ditched his colorist.
CONVERSATION
Conversation flowed easily, especially since Sara brushed up on her golf knowledge. The prime minister reminisced fondly over the time Jared gave up his teenage bedroom for Bibi when he had once spent a night at the (other) real estate mogul’s home in New Jersey.
The first ladies got a little tipsy and Sara continued to console Melania with regards to who the media hates more. Melania delicately insisted, “you ain’t got nothing on me!”
THE AFTER PARTY
After-meal entertainment included a special screening of Pretty Woman. Hollywood producer Arnon Milchan was on hand for an intimate Q&A session after. Following the film, both men puffed away on Cohiba Esplendidos while Melania and Sara braided one another’s hair and traded makeup and decorating tips.
The two leaders watched highlights from today’s news coverage to compare their one liners: “unbridled ambition,” “unbreakable bond,” “more than friends…”
The 150-year-old Bible parting gift given to the Trumps by the Netanyahus ended up left behind, but Bibi promised to drop it off at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Boca residence next month (rumor is there’s a membership in the works). Melania didn’t leave empty handed - she and Sara traded friendship bracelets and swore to remain B.F.F.s.
The evening ended with a goodnight kiss; after all, who would hesitate to return an amicable smooch with great friends? (Just watch out Bibi – some world leaders kiss and tell…)
As the First Couple headed out the door, Bibi grabbed Donald for one more embrace, drew a heart-shaped red line, and whispered, “together we will defeat the evils of the world together,” as Sara leaned over to her American counterpart and added, “while we holiday in the Caribbean.”
Note: this satire piece is at least how we imagined it going down...