Comedians are known to tell it like it is, and their jokes on the topic of fatherhood are no exception. Leave it to these guys to hit the nail on the head when addressing life as a dad.
1. On how kids' songs should really go:
“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” -– Jim Gaffigan
2. On how simple dad-hood should be:
"Be a dad. Don't be 'Mom’s assistant.' That's depressing, just waiting for her to write you a list, walk around a store staring at it, calling her from the cereal aisle to make sure you got the right thing. Be a man. Make your own list. Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a 4-year-old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won’t take away your manhood; it will give it to you. I did that. I spent more time with my kids. And I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure." -- Louis C.K.
3. On bedtime:
"The bedtime routine for my kids is like this Royal Coronation Jubilee Centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi-circle of emotional support. And I've gotta read eight different moron books. You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
4. The truth:
"When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children." -- Chris Rock
5. The truth truth...
“Having children is like living in a frat house -- nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.” -- Ray Romano
6. On why it's really beneficial to have kids:
"I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps." -- Jimmy Kimmel
7. On what you're really doing everyday:
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” –- Jon Stewart
8. On yelling:
"My daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I’m trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder -- she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.” -- Stephen Colbert
9. On love, kind of:
"I really love my kids for about six minutes a day." --Michael Ian Black
10. On how to make kids laugh... if you're Paul Rudd:
“If I can walk around in my underwear and pull it up super high so it’s just gross looking and then try and be very serious with them. I like to do that … pretend to be very mad and have my underwear hiked up … really high.” -- Paul Rudd
11. On your new-found neuroses:
"I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day." -- Will Arnett
12. The bottom line:
"[Kids] are just like annoying short people." -- Hank Azaria
13. On the only thing you need to know:
"Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you're 12, but every day." -- Mike Myers
This article has been updated and revised since it was published in June 2014.