I could see the skyline of NYC as my plane was getting ready to land. It was welcoming me back from a trip where I had taken a leap of faith on my heart. As I walked off that plane and my feet hit the concrete pavement of what would be known as New York soil, I had this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen next because there were no signs, no indicators that I would be left completely in the dark with what was about to happen to “us”.
In September, I finally made the decision to let go of all the wounds from my relationship of eight years and was ready to open my heart to another one. In a contemplative state of what was holding me back, I realized I was fighting for someone who wasn’t fighting for me. I sat down with pen and paper and listed all the things I desired in my next relationship. It was 37 bullet points that described the man I was about to meet. A month later, I manifested a man that was 35/37 of those qualities I listed and he swept me off my feet. I was in complete awe of how we met; everything aligned in such a magical way. Even our first kiss just fell into place, it took me off guard because of how perfect it was. When I was able to finally take a breath to look around, I could see how everything fit so perfectly. The sun was warm and the wind whispered that something was coming. We were at a pier, standing at the edge so that all of the Hudson could be seen, with Lady Liberty watching in the distance.
That was the ignition that catapulted us into a relationship of four months. We instantly wanted to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend because we both were able to recognize when something special was knocking at our door. He was charming and ready to take risks on us. We travelled together and even started plotting our future. I was in love.
Fast forward a week after landing back in NYC from the trip where I had just spent a week with the man that captivated me. I texted him to tell him I landed and received nothing in return. I called, nothing. A week later, nothing. A month later, nothing. I had been ghosted.
The first week, I felt abandoned, insecure, and thought I was to blame
for the disappearance. I read on Psychology Today about ghosting activating the same pain pathways as physical pain to the brain.
After going through all of my feelings and leaning into the truth, I realized it had nothing to do with me. I had dared to love and gone into it believing in the best.
I fell for the man and what he “could be”. The loving woman sees the man before her in his higher form and believes he will become that. But the truth is, if he shuts down, if he ghosts, he is not that.
The reality is that I evoked something out of him that made him feel uncomfortable. I am mirroring wounds in himself that he didn’t even know he had because he suppressed them for so long. The reason why he is running away is because he needs to find relief from all the emotions that he is not brave enough to face. He even blamed me for his emotions.
The aware man would know that only he is responsible for his emotions. He would know that when he is truly in his masculine, I am a gift to him, for I am shining light on what still needs healing. The true masculine man would honor feminine presence in his life because I continue to give him love. He would have the knowing that relationships are there to help him grow in order become a fuller expression of himself.
If you have ever experienced ghosting, know that it was never about you. And if your heart is still open, know that you are brave enough to keep loving. You touched his heart with your courage to love and his heart will forevermore remember that.
It was never about you.
