It's 12:28 a.m. I've just started studying for an exam that I'll mostly likely fail in about eight hours. It was on the syllabus but I didn't read it. My professor reminded the crowded lecture hall about it nearly every 15 seconds repeating, "this will be on the exam" but I was on Facebook. It's the third week of school, and while getting back in the swing of things may take a little time, I fear that I will never "get back" in the swing of things. The truth is, it feels like the swing of things is already over. Everything I do on this campus feels like the last time, so, who cares?
If you find yourself like me, uncharacteristically skipping classes a little more than you should, pretending the world doesn't exist beyond your blackout curtains, watching Netflix when you damn well know you should be studying and continuing to procrastinate by going to Taco Tuesday instead of your exam review, you're not alone. Misery loves company and many of us have succumbed to this phase called 'senioritis.' According to Urban Dictionary it's "a crippling disease." Symptoms are listed as "laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shirts, sweatpants, athletic shorts, and sweatshirts." Accurate so far. "Also features a lack of studying, repeated absences, and a generally dismissive attitude. The only known cure is a phenomenon known as graduation."
Not the G word. Can everyone just please stop talking about the G word? The semester just started! Then it hit me. Maybe I am tired of lectures. Maybe I am tired of late nights in the library and filling my planner with pointless club meetings in attempt to seem involved and employable. But maybe, more than anything, I'm scared. Scared of what comes after this. Maybe I didn't forget to turn in that application because I got "caught up." Maybe, just maybe, I didn't complete it because I am absolutely terrified of what will happen if I get the offer. I'm even more scared of rejection.
Some of my peers are dreaming of 401ks, a loving, reliable spouse and 2.5 kids. I want none of those things, at least not before writing a successful screenplay, getting my own talk show and meeting Doug the Pug, so my path after I walk across the stage isn't as perfectly lined up. For me, there is no grad school, no college sweetheart who will propose so we can *finally* move in together and my summer internship did not lead to a job offer. The only thing I'm guaranteed is that in six months student loan payments will come knockin' at my door. Well, my parents' door technically.
You see, college provides us the perfect balance of structured freedom. You choose your major, your dorm, your friends, but there's still a list of rules guiding your way. What happens when you finish those requirements? There is no rulebook to being an adult, no list of major courses guaranteed to get you to that dream job or help you accomplish that life goal. The problem is, there are just too many options. A blessing that can feel like your biggest curse.
My mentor once told me, "at this point, the only thing standing in your way is you" and that's what senioritis is. Whether we're conscious of it or not, in some way, it's like we're trying to stop the inevitable from happening, trying to turn back time and start all over. I highly doubt you really want to fail your capstone and spend another semester in school, but you're also not quite ready to leave and everyday is a reminder that you're that much closer. So today I'm admitting it. I'm a senior and I'm scared but I'm also going to try. I'm going to try my best to devote my all to my classes, relationships and most importantly, myself because my last semester deserves to be all I hoped it would. Do I know what I'm doing? Hell no. But you know what? Neither does anyone else.
So, this is my message to my fellow seniors: Get out of your own way. We're going to be just fine. Onward and upward, my friends.
P.S. You should really study for that exam.