If your partner asks you to be straightforward about where you want the relationship to go, do you answer honestly or do you say what you think he/she wants to hear?
I was recently in a relationship where the man that I was seeing, was seeing someone else behind my back. Well, it wasn't completely behind my back. He had shown previous signs that were questionable when it came to his whereabouts and his explanations for why his promises fell short. He never included me in family functions nor shown any urgency in introducing me to his family at all really. When he was expected to come over for dinner or to watch a movie, he'd sometimes arrive promptly but then other times, he had a sudden attack of narcolepsy and couldn't be found until the next day. Ah yes... the ever so clear hindsight is in vibrant view and with every failed relationship, I learn to sharply see just how things were in reality.
I am in my mid 30s. I have a career that is progressing well; I own my own place, have never been married and do not have any children. I am what some would consider "a hot commodity." He will be 40 years old this year, has never been married, owns a couple of properties (if that was true) and a job that seemingly pays well enough for him to afford to take care of his 6 year old son and allow him to make worry-free purchases like nice cars or the latest Purple Label items. He too is what some would consider a hot commodity at this age, considering most men approaching 40 will have had at least one child &/or experienced a divorce. That being said, we are both people who are old enough to know what we want out of life and therefore discussed that early on in the relationship.
Being in your 30s, you know what the deal is in a relationship. In fact, you have probably tried many different types of relationships by now and know what you want and what you can or cannot handle. You just know. Even if you are unwilling to say out loud "I don't want to ever be married; I'd rather play the field", you are still aware of that once the 40 year mark approaches.
Discovering that the certain someone you love has been sharing his love around town is a hurtful, wounding feeling. When you have to look into the eyes of the "other woman" and hear her describe your man's work schedule as a tactical excuse can really mess with your mind. Suddenly, you cannot decipher what is true from false. Suddenly, you start to question if everything you thought was true, ever truly happened. It's like your mind begins to tell you that you were foolish for believing in his words but yet your heart is still vouching for him because his representative is all it has truly known. You are in a battle between heart and mind. Your memories of Sunday morning brunches, spending hours on the phone discussing trivial information (and laughing about how no one else spends this much time talking about rabbits) flood your mind. All of these recollections are suddenly cutting, jarring memories that make you feel duped.
We live in a time where pornography is abundantly free, it is socially accepted to Snapchat someone yourself nude and people are openly having polyamorous relationships. No one even bats an eye anymore that Kim Kardashian's fame sprung from a sex tape or when other reality TV "stars" are recorded hopping around from bed to bed on national television. Far more risqué things are accepted these days so if you are not keen on or yearning to have a monogamous relationship that potentially leads to marriage...why lie about that? People in this country are standing tall for what they believe in, whether relating to race or sexual orientation. We live in a country that fortunately allows us to have a voice and speak it proudly and loudly. So why are there still people who feel the need to lie about what they want from a relationship?
I asked my lying ex-boyfriend that question actually.
"If you never wanted this to be a monogamous relationship, why didn't you just say so?" I shouted, before listing all of the things we didn't have to do, like introduce him to my mother. Especially since I discussed it with him beforehand, just to ensure that meeting my mother at that point in our relationship wasn't too soon for us, to which he said, "No, I'd like to meet her!"
Talk about extremely infuriating and unnecessary.
I don't have any fancy statistics or data to back me up here but I have a strong inkling that women would rather have the truth and nothing but the truth, instead of a lie. If ten months ago, said ex-boyfriend had responded honestly to my "are we going to see other people" question, this article would not have been published. Why? Because I would have either (A.) continued seeing him in conjunction with the very successful executive I was seeing prior to him, and I never would have forced my long-term relationship expectations on the situation, or (B.) decided that this wasn't something I could handle and carried on my merry way. The point is, the choice would have been presented to me and I could then decide what I wanted to do with it, without anyone misleading the other. Perhaps he is one that just enjoys the game of it all? I don't know but that's another article entirely...
I remember a Sex and The City episode where the main character Carrie runs into her ex-boyfriend Jack Berger's friends at a nightclub opening. In response to the news of their breakup, Berger's friend states that women just become all "psycho bitch" if guys say what they are actually thinking, insinuating that women don't really want to hear the truth. When actually, that is the farthest thing from the truth. In all of my years on Earth, I have not heard a woman say "I wish I didn't know he wanted to get married" or "I wish I didn't know that he wanted kids." Women, I'd argue those especially in their 30s, want to know if their mate desires marriage and kids, so that they can plan accordingly. We want to know what we are (or not) getting into ahead of time.
It's the 21st century. You are free to do things that were illegal just 17 years ago. You can even marry someone who's of the same sex as you if you choose, how liberating is that! This is a time to live in your truth and speak it without remorse. If you meet someone and want to keep it casual, then say that. If you meet someone and only have intentions to marry and you have a specific deadline in mind of when that should occur, then you can say that too! Whichever your choice, be unapologetic of that choice and do not lie about your intentions or desires. After all, that's so 1900s...