FAYETTEVILLE NC, March 10 (NewS Satire)
"There was no 'sucker punch' at all," says accident reconstruction expert Paul Ciabatta. "I can categorically state that the protester used his face to attack the man in the hat."
Ciabatta has spent three days analyzing footage of the so-called "sucker punch" allegedly thrown by a Trump supporter at a protester who was being ejected from a rally last week.
"The protester clearly shoved his face right into the path of the innocent man's moving fist."
Ciabatta explains, "As the protester climbed the stairs to exit the event, he stumbled and his face violently smashed into the outstretched hand of a peaceful citizen, who was only trying to help the protester."
The victim, Tork Gunderson of Fayetteville, said, "I instinctively closed my hand into a fist to provide more support to the protester as he went down, but his face struck my fist anyway." The hero confided, "I don't think he intended to injure me; but I'm going to sue him just in case. I've got medical bills, and I want him to replace my brass knuckles that his jaw broke."
Donald Trump offered to pay Gunderson's legal and medical bills in exchange for 50% of the recovery in the civil suit. "I'm a terrific negotiator," explained Trump.
Ciabatta has an uncanny record of truthiness. He was the person who single-handedly proved that the impostor-in-chief Barack Obama was born in Kenya as a Muslim.