A handful of prominent TV networks mill about the dine-in kitchen of a whimsically rustic house where a lavish display of food is set across an ostentatious kitchen island. HALLMARK enters the room wearing a “Keep Calm & Put Your Apron On” cooking apron.
HALLMARK: Thank you so much for coming everybody! I’m thrilled to host this year’s annual potluck. Cheers!
(Everyone raises a glass of champagne. SPIKE raises a beverage in a brown paper-bag.)
ESPN hastily enters.
ESPN (throwing a small number of frozen Lean Cuisines on the kitchen island): Sorry I’m late.
HALLMARK: Oh, why...thank you, ESPN. Pleasure to see you, please, join us. (She briefly eyes ESPN as he ruffles his fingers through a decorative centerpiece) Dig in, everyone! I made this delicious homemade rhubarb--
SPIKE (interrupting): --WHO WANTS TO CHUG FOUR LOKO OUT OF THIS FUCKIN’ COMBAT BOOT?
DISCOVERY: Slow down, buddy, let’s not repeat last year’s koi pond incident at my house.
BRAVO: Let’s not forget the time you blacked out from the bottle of Veuve Clicquot I was saving to celebrate The Real Housewives of Potomac getting renewed for season two.
LOGO: ...or that time -- wait? Where’d he go?
(Out the window we see SPIKE shot-put a stainless steel gazing ball in no particular direction as hard as he can.)
LIFETIME (winking at ESPN as she circles her finger around the rim of her glass): I wouldn’t mind repeating what happened in the walk-in closet that year--
HALLMARK: --SO what has everyone been up to? TBS, you look well -- the new logo looks great on you! What’s new with you?
LOGO (under his breath to LIFETIME:) Girrrrrlllll, more like what’s NOT new with you, right? What movie do you think he’s gonna wanna watch later -- my money’s on You’ve Got Mail.
LIFETIME (into her glass of champagne): Ten bucks says The Wedding Planner.
(They share a laugh as TBS shifts uncomfortably in his chair. HALLMARK glares at LIFETIME.)
LIFETIME: Oh loosen up, sis! Have some off my signature punch, it’s to DIE for! (Suddenly serious) Emphasis on die.
HALLMARK: You mean the punch bowl that’s filled with just vodka with a slice of lime in it? I don’t think so.
LOGO: C’mon, girl, loosen the knot of that sweater tied around your neck and sit down and DISH!!!!!!!!
(HALLMARK nervously pushes a rogue strand of hair behind her ear.)
HALLMARK: Has anyone heard from ABC Family? I haven’t seen him in a minute! Last time I saw--
FOX: --Actually, it’s Freeform now.
TBS: We spoke earlier -- he can’t make it, gearing up for a Harry Potter marathon this weekend.
ESPN: I thought that was last weekend.
BRAVO: I thought that was next weekend.
LOGO (now slurring): It’s every fucking weekend.
DISCOVERY: --Would anyone like a piece of my gluten-free vegan Irish soda bread?
(A murmuring of “no thank yous” are heard as all the networks stare at the floor.)
HALLMARK (taking a beat): Well, then, if you all want to grab your plates and drinks we can mosey on over into the den and watch this year’s movie! I’m so excited to announce that I have an exclusive premiere of a charming movie about the heiress to the Burt’s Bees empire who finds herself trapped in the elevator with her father’s, how shall I say, easy-on-the-eye assistant, and spark a budding roman--
LIFETIME: Oh, PLEASE.
(She gets up and extinguishes a Virginia Slim into a pot of fondue.)
LIFETIME (sarcastically): Can’t we watch something more compelling, like The Weather Channel?
THE WEATHER CHANNEL: Uh, I’m in the room, I can hear you, you know.
HALLMARK (grabbing LIFETIME by the arm and aggressively whispering into her ear): What is wrong with you, you know we watch one of the host’s programs each year.
(The other networks are visibly uncomfortable.)
LIFETIME (borderline slurring): Oh, get over yourself.
(LIFETIME tries to remove herself from her sister’s grip and spills red wine on HALLMARK’S cooking apron.)
HALLMARK: LIFETIME! WHAT THE F--
(An audible gasp is heard as all the networks lean in, wide-eyed. LOGO begins to stream the whole thing via Facebook live.)
HALLMARK: --fountain pen has gotten into you? Why do you have to make a scene every year. You know what it is? I bet know what it is -- you’re just jealous; jealous that I was chosen to host this year and NOT you.
LIFETIME: OF COURSE I’M JEALOUS. TUNE IN SOMETIME WHEN YOU’RE NOT SHOWING A MOVIE ABOUT A PREPUBESCENT TEEN WHO BRINGS HER DIVORCED PARENTS BACK TOGETHER BY SIGNING THEM UP FOR THE SAME ADULT EVENING COMPUTER CLASS AT THE LOCAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
(A deep, booming voice is heard from the back of the room.)
TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES: This is some real Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? shit.
(At this moment, SPIKE comes crashing through the back door on a jet ski.)
SPIKE: ANYONE WANNA DO A SHOT?
EVERYONE IN UNISON: YES.