The Typical Trump Press Conference

2015-09-06-1441565715-9016084-images4.jpg

Donald Trump continues to maintain his front runner status in the campaign for the Republican Party's presidential nomination. That simple fact in and of itself is fascinating, but is even more intriguing given how Trump has not offered voters one single comprehensive policy plan relating to the economy, taxes, jobs, the environment, education, foreign affairs, defense and, yes, even immigration.

To the contrary, Trump's interviews, press conferences and campaign speeches utterly lack substance, and instead are filled with empty promises built on bumper-sticker slogans and superlatives, unparalleled in their superficiality, grandiosity and bombast.

The man who's captivated his party is a master at actually saying nothing of substance. A typical Trump press conference goes like this:

Reporter 1: Mr. Trump, you keep talking about how bad the economy is doing. What facts can you provide to support that contention, and what specifically would you do to fix it?

Trump: First, Jack, let me say that's a nice suit you're wearing. And by the way, Trump makes great suits. You've seen my suits? They're incredible. Worn by very, very important people. Your suit is ok. Normally you look like a putz but today you look, well, ok. The economy? It's in horrible shape. Horrible. Just look at the numbers. The statistics. You're a smart guy. Do your homework. What...you want me to do your job for you? If I were president I'll put everyone to work who wants a job. I'll bring manufacturing, good jobs, back to America. The economy will explode. Next question....Ellen...

Reporter 2: What will you do to improve the nation's education system?

Trump: Thank you Ellen for asking that. Normally you ask stupid questions. But I like this one. I'm gonna make our educational system number one in the world. We're gonna hire the best teachers and pay them well. Test scores will go through the roof. Every kid who wants to go to college will under my plan.

Reporter 2: And what exactly is that plan?

Trump: Ok Ellen, now you're asking stupid questions again. If I wanted a bimbo in the room I'd have invited Megyn Kelly. Next question...Alejandro....

Reporter 3: You've been saying that you'll build a wall to keep Mexicans from illegally entering the U.S. This is estimated to cost tens of billions of dollars. How exactly will you pay for this?

Trump: Alejandro, did you get the "Let's be stupid" email that Ellen apparently got today?! Look, I'm a builder...and by the way, Trump's building are the biggest and best in the world. Some very rich, very important people live and work in my buildings. Hugely important people. I know how to build things. And I make deals. I'll go to President Prieto, Nato, Noriega, whatever his name is down there and tell him he's gotta pay for it. He'll do what I say. Next question...Angela...

Reporter 4: What do you say to those who believe you have a huge uphill battle in the African American and Latino communities?

Trump: I don't have any problem with the Blacks. The Blacks love me. I cherish Blacks. They're good, decent, hard working people. I'm gonna do more for the Blacks than Lincoln. Than Martin Luther King Jr. They'll be rich and happy under Trump! And by the way, I have more Blacks working for me than anyone. In my hotels. They clean rooms really well...better than the Mexicans. Yeah, the Blacks love me. And do I really have to explain how much the Mexicans love me? Next question...Todd...

Reporter 5: What will you do to ensure a clean, healthy environment?

Trump: That's easy. Trump will make the air fresher than ever. The water cleaner and more delicious. And I'll end pollution. Who likes pollution, right!? It's gonna be amazing. Next question...Alex...

Reporter 6: Republicans want to outlaw abortion. They also seek to defund Planned Parenthood, which is a major source of contraception for women. They also would like to stop insurance companies from covering contraception. These are utterly convoluted, contradicting positions. The number one way to lower abortions is through greater contraception. What is your position on abortion and contraception?

Trump: Another easy one. I know how to influence people. I'm Trump. All day I get people to do things for me. I don't mess around. I'll say to the kids, to the sexually promiscuous..."Hey, stop having sex!" They'll listen. And we'll have no more abortions. And we won't need contraception. Next question...Drew...

Reporter 7: You say you'll lower taxes. Not a popular stand for a Republican. How do you propose to do that?

Trump: Hedge fund guys...many of whom are my friends...I love 'em. And by the way, they buy massive apartments in my incredible buildings. Have I told you that Trump's building's are the biggest and best in the world? These guys will do favors for me. So if I tell 'em to pay more taxes so I can give the little guy a break, they will. Trust me. It's a great, great plan. There'll be plenty of tax money for everything. Next question....Farouk...

Reporter 8: Your campaign slogan is "Make America Great Again." This implies America is not great right now? How do you plan to improve America's standing abroad? Particularly in the Middle East?

Trump: The Arabs love me too. I cherish Arabs. Just not when they're blowin' things ups. Look, some of my best friends are Arabs. They come to Trump's clubs to play golf. I golf with them. And by the way, I have the most gorgeous golf courses in the world. So I'll settle the whole damn Arab/Israeli problem by the time we get to the 15th hole. I'll get all these guys out there together and be like, "Bibi, Mahmoud, Bashar, Abdel, Abdulaziz...just get your shit together and stop all this fighting, ok?!" And ya know what? They'll listen to Trump. Because they love my hotels and want to keep playing at my clubs. Ok, one last question...Jan...

Reporter 9: I'd like to do a little word association with you. I'll name a few of your Republican opponents and you give me a few words to describe them. Jeb Bush...

Trump: Like watching paint dry...

Reporter 9: Marco Rubio...

Trump: Adolescent Mexican... Ok, I'm kidding. He's not that young....

Reporter 9: Ben Carson...

Trump: Pretty smart and articulate for a Black guy...

Reporter 9: Carly Fiorina...

Trump: Look, I could call her a miserable, job-killing corporate loser, but I won't...

Reporter 9: Chris Christie...

Trump: Hey, great segue...when's lunch...I'm starving!