The Ultimate 9-Step Guide to Looking Good

Vegetables give you gas and require vitamin supplementation. Cannibalism is illegal. And I'm too self-conscious to take my jiggling torso to a public gym.
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It's a constant struggle.

Fat's no good. Neither are carbs. Red meat's got cholesterol. White meat's full of hormones. Dairy's got too much lactose. Fish has some good cholesterol, but causes mercury poisoning. Vegetables give you gas and require vitamin supplementation. Cannibalism is illegal. And I'm too self-conscious to take my jiggling torso to a public gym.

But you can be a little fat and still be healthy. You can also look drop-dead gorgeous and be unhealthy. The bottom line is, I want to look good. "Looking good" is a phrase now used almost interchangeably with "being healthy". When it comes down to it, I think most people -- including myself -- want to look good more than they want to be healthy. By looking good, I mean looking like those skinny supermodels -- male and female -- in fashion magazines. Can't afford cosmetic surgery, gastric bypass surgery, liposuction, or partial liver removal? This guide outlines nine simple steps that can help you look good -- without all that look-out-for-your-health bullshit.

1. Smoke. Cigarettes are an excellent appetite suppressant, and you'll lose weight with smoking. Instead of snacking on potato chips out of habit during your break from work, light one up (a cigarette, that is). I know cigarettes cause cancer, but cancer causes cachexia, which is massive weight loss and appetite loss. There's no better way to get skinny. Ever see a terminal cancer patient? And then Kate Moss right afterwards? Exactly. A good makeup artist can make all the difference in the world. And don't forget about all the sympathy sex you can get as a terminal cancer patient (see number 4 below).

2. Switch from beer to hard liquor. There is more alcohol content in vodka and whiskey, and they're lighter in calories than beer, so you drink less, get more plastered, and lower your caloric intake. It will also make you throw up much sooner (specially when you drink on an empty stomach), which will further reduce caloric intake.

3. Don't have breakfast. For energy, your body burns carbohydrates first, then fat, and then protein (that last one would only really happen in starvation mode). When you wake up in the morning, your carbs are already spent (even without the carb-consuming night terrors and violent snoring), and anything you burn before breakfast will be from your fat stores. So delay it. Have a couple of glasses of water, a Diet Coke, or a cigarette -- and work until lunch. It's tough at first, but after a couple of days, you get used to it, and it's pretty tolerable.

4. Have lots of sex. If you cheat on your spouse or significant other, you'll be expected to satisfy both your mistress/boytoy and your committed partner. Not doing so will raise suspicion for each of the parties involved. Sex can burn up to 250 calories an hour. Considering that you're cheating on your partner, you'll probably be in a hurry, sneaking out here and there, trying not to get caught, thus allowing for the exercise to be more rigorous and adding to the increased shagging frequency resulting from having multiple partners. The stress and guilt borne out of this will help you lose more weight, which will help you attract more conscientiously compromised, superficial, on-the-side sex partners, further advancing your weight loss. Don't worry about sexually transmitted diseases. Remember how skinny Tom Hanks got with AIDS at the end of Philadelphia? Exactly.

5. Get dumped. This won't be too difficult if you follow Steps 1 to 4 religiously. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for psychiatric disorders, weight loss and loss of appetite are two of the criteria required to establish a diagnosis of clinical depression. So depression is, by definition, a virtually proven weight loss technique in itself. And nothing's more depressing than being dumped. When I went through my last bout of depression, I lost about thirty pounds in three months. To top it off, by being on the rebound, your lonely ass is more likely to have increased amounts of 250 calorie/hour-expending sex for the hell of it -- not to mention drown its sorrows in smoke and drink.

6. Do (hard) drugs. Be careful with this one: Soft drugs like marijuana and hash aren't going to cut it. They'll give you the munchies and run your pocket dry from buying expensive, heavily taxed snacks (you want to save some for the smokes -- they're getting expensive). On the other hand, overuse of a very hard drug like heroin may downright kill you -- and that's not the look we're going for here. Relationships with necrophiliacs can get complicated. Cocaine is a good balance, and also happens to be a strong amphetamine (see number 7 below).

7. Pop lots of Ritalin. This is a major metabolism booster -- an amphetamine that's used for the treatment of attention deficit disorder as well as morbid obesity. It'll also keep you awake for days if you take enough. That gives you more time for cigarettes, alcohol, sex, and drugs. It's fucking great. It'll also have you eating less, and boost your metabolism. Being one of the most overprescribed drugs for kids -- who make up the majority of the patient population taking it -- this is the easiest drug to obtain without a prescription. Most children will happily give up a pill or two for M&Ms (toddlers), firecrackers (middle schoolers), porn (high schoolers), or semi-automatic firearms (all grade levels).

8. Delay defecation. When you feel the urge to go, hold it in, and delay it as long as you can. You will notice that you won't feel like eating when you really have to go -- so stay in the "have to go" mode longer. Dilatation of the stomach due to food intake can trigger the "gastro-colic" reflex -- this means that a full stomach will send signals to your colon to start contracting, creating the urge to defecate. If you already have this urge, you will eat less. And when you don't eat, you won't trigger or enhance it.

9. Develop an eating disorder. Anorexia nervosa and bulimia are both invaluably effective weight loss mechanisms. Both cause dramatic weight loss, are associated with affluence (an attractive factor in itself), and if you're female, can result in complete loss of your menstrual cycle, which means instant, automatic birth control. (Remember, pregnancy can make you look fat. Yuck.) Unfortunately, these conditions do cause erosion of your teeth and a moderate degree of malodorousness, but it's nothing that a couple of vodka shots won't cover up. Eating disorders are also statistically associated with exceedingly successful careers in show business, which is a major plus.

I know some fear that using this guide may result in their premature death. But think about it for a minute -- do you really want to live to be middle-aged? Who wants those beer bellies and droopy breasts anyway? Sure, many people who've tried these techniques have died at some point -- but I haven't heard any of them complain ever since. Have you? It's time to turn the page on the wisdom of age, and wholly embrace the Botoxed face.

Good luck.

[Watch this space for my next article, Being Big-Boned IS Associated with Small Penis Size, Despite what the Phrase Implies.]

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