If you're like me, you've spent the better part of the last week writing fan letters to Christine O'Donnell. She's like the thing you always wanted but didn't know you wanted it because you've always been into self-denial. It's like, BOOM! Christine's here. Time to grab life by the teabags and suck it dry.
And not a moment too soon if you ask me. As American women, we've been looking for someone in politics who really speaks to us. Sarah Palin has always been too ethnic, and Michele Bachmann's name sounds both pompous and Jewish, i.e. socialist. (I know her campaign slogan was "The extra N is for 'Not Actually Jewish,'" but until I see the birth certificate with her tiny, clearly Christian feet on it, I don't know what she is.)
But Christine O'Donnell, now there's a white-blooded American woman we can sink our teeth into. Among all the programs and groups dedicated to keeping teens from finding out how awesome sex is, none of them have had the underwires to take on masturbation, which is like the trailer for sex that's ultimately better than the movie. Everyone knows you can't win the war on terror without fighting Islam, and just like that, you can't win the war on lust without fighting yourself (which is where most high-ranking government officials believe lust has been hiding out in a cave for the last 9 years).
But there's more at stake here than keeping one's heart and swimsuit area right with God. Allow me to blow your mind up for a second. I know everyone and their social marketing intern is crying foul about her dabblance in witchery, but the fact that Christine O'Donnell was once a witch is exactly what makes her such a strong Christian, and therefore such a great political candidate, today.
See, most witches turned fundamentalist Christian politicians have their background in Wicca, a sort of crunchy, earthy, Indigo Girls-listening version of the dark arts. In the Wiccan faith, the universe is believed to have been created when Gaia, aka Your Father's Wife Earth, made love to herself and female ejaculated all the planets, stars and microbes and stuff. Think about what could happen if that kind of power fell into the wrong hands.
And unfortunately for us, they are all the wrong hands.
Christine O'Donnell isn't on a mission to stop masturbation simply because it's dirty and she never quite got the hang of it. She's fighting for the entire universe. O'Donnell knows that the world has a massive over-population problem. If women go around masturbating whenever they damn well please, then we'll just keep producing universe after universe that we can't sustain, no matter how many Mexicans we make to clean them up.
So move over Al Gore, because Christine O'Donnell's campaign to stop lust is more vital than all the climate change bills we've voted down put together. I, for one, applaud her vision and tenacity. Moreover, I welcome the coming of a new day when we will all be lustless, righteous vessels floating in a single, ever-expanding universe that, long ago, flew out of a magical woman's baby-deploying cavity.