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The Worst Things I've Heard as a Nurse in Labor and Delivery

"Put in an extra stitch." From a father talking to the provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, 'cause that didn't make me just throw up in my mouth.
07/16/2015 04:27pm ET | Updated July 16, 2016
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Put in an extra stitch. From a father talking to the provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, 'cause that didn't make me just throw up in my mouth. Officially, the only time I've rolled my eyes in front of a patient. One time I couldn't even help it...I asked the father "how small does the doctor need to make it?" :/

If you put a catheter in me, will the baby be able to come out? From many patients. Am I the only woman out there that has explored her own body?!? ...or paid attention during anatomy class? You have three holes down there!

I'm the only one that gets to suck on those. From a father who wouldn't let his wife breastfeed. This was the first time I've ever wanted to hit someone in the head :(

There's plenty of room in here. From a provider talking to a woman while doing a vaginal exam. Ummm, because I really want a room full of people to hear that my vagina is big enough to have a ten pound baby. For the love of God, have some decency and say "it'll be a tight fit, but our bodies are capable of great things!"

Right now you have a vaginus. From a provider, telling the woman how bad her laceration was. Because that's not confusing or frightening at all...

Oh, he has a little penis just like his dad did. From a mother-in-law looking at her newborn grandson right after delivery. This was only the "worst" for the dad. This was the "best" for everyone else in the room :) Everyone else could.not.stop.laughing. The dad turned every shade of red.

My boyfriend checked me and said I was dilating. From a woman who let her partner do too much exploring. He knew how dilated she was from his experience working in a coffee shop. FYI -- don't try this at home :/

You smell like your momma's stinky kooch -- A grandmother, talking to the freshly delivered newborn.

Grandpa, you can take pictures -- A nursery nurse to the man standing next to the warmer. Unfortunately, it was her husband, not her dad :/ lol

Until my next delivery ♥

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