It has been a banner year for marital tankings. We're talking supreme tankage here. Famous flameouts from the world of politics, sports, and celebrities provided countless hours of entertainment, overtime work for journalists, and taught millions of us the names of minor porn stars heretofore unknown (Ladies and gents... Jamie Jungers?).
So, let's do a round-up of the extreme highs and the lowest of the lows of marital woes 2009.
1. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren
This was marriage blow-up #1 with a bullet!
She Says: I don't have problem with Tiger. Men like sex. Men like to have sex with women they're not married to. Where was the news here? Besides, isn't the possibility of acquiring as much quality vagina as possible why men want to be successful and rich? Alas, Americans look down on this, publicly. However, as much as we drag our prized pets through the mud, we love seeing them redeem themselves. I predict that six months into the new year, Tiger -- post-sex rehab with Dr. Drew -- will regain his endorsements and Gatorade will change their slogan to, "I'll have what he's having."
He Says: Tiger must be stopped; it's just not fair! As a lowly beta male I can't even imagine the temptation Tiger Woods has to deal with on a daily, perhaps hourly, even minute-to-minute basis. The world is his vagina. The eminent evolutionary psychologist, Robert Wright theorizes that monogamy evolved to prevent males like Tiger Woods who can have literally thousands of wives which would leave men like me, Jeff Kahn, with none. Wright believes and rightly so that nothing is more dangerous to society than a pack of frustrated Jeff Kahns roaming around without a chance in hell of procreating.
2. Mark and Jenny Sanford
This was fun from Mark's first lie to his last.
She Says: It's sad! Though the governor will pine and beg Jenny to let him have more time to fall in love with her again, he will be spurned and spend the next year nostalgically campaigning to have the signage in the Appalachian trial translated into Spanish.
He Says: It's stupid! Mark's biggest mistake was flying back to South Carolina from Argentina. He should have resigned as Governor, gotten a divorce, married his Argentinean hottie, and then rode that wave of political passion all the way to being president of Argentina. They love this kind of thing down there. No one sings, "Don't Cry For Me South Carolina" do they?
3. Frank and Jamie McCourt
He Says: If money were an aphrodisiac, this couple would never leave their bed, but instead they're trying to screw each other legally. Jamie wants her job back as CEO of the Dodgers, plus $488,925 a month for living expenses ($330,000 goes toward her residences and vacation homes). It's gonna get ugly, folks. I feel bad for their children. And by children I mean the Dodgers.
She Says: My favorite aspect of this contentious debate is that his lawyers are accusing her of having an affair with her driver, which McCourt's attorney has deemed, "an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate employee." What would he say if she had an affair with a player? I'm rooting for Jaime and her driver. I'm tired of men in powerful positions sleeping with employees. Thank you Jamie, for breaking the glass bedspring.
4. Jon and Kate
The real reality of the couple trying to create reality is that they suck at it.
She Says: The worst part of their divorce, sadly, is that many of us who managed to miss the show know the name Gosselin, which is a terrible sign of how reality TV culture has migrated into mainstream news. I predict Jon will meet Madonna at Kabbalah and after losing custody of his own kids become the manny for her children, Kate will lose custody of her children to the Octomom who will need to get more children in her brood to compete with the new 19-kid show on TLC.
He Says: I never watched their show, I don't read about them in gossip magazines, but just seeing their photos on the cover at the supermarket checkout makes me never want to watch or read anything about them ever again.
5. Madonna and Guy Richie
This marriage didn't have Like a Prayer.
He Says: Richie gave her a baby and a really bad movie to star in -- what more could a material girl want? No seriously, I think what Madonna was really after in this union was a chance to try out her British accent and when the world collectively cringed, it was only a matter of time before Madge dropped the hubby and the accent, and hopped the pond back to the States.
She Says: Madge looks great. Just great. What is she doing and who is doing it? Divorce? Whatever? Who's her dermatologist?
6. Avril and Deryck
Ah, the stupidity of youth.
He says: Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley, winners of the 2009 Very-Odd-Celebrity-Names-and-Who-Cares-That-They're-Getting-a-Divorce Award.
She Says: I think their divorce is robbing the world of equally incomprehensibly-spelled children's names: Abigile, Alleysun, Dawren, Duglous. It's a loss, really.
7. Senator John Ensign's affair with his friend and colleague's wife, Cindy Hamilton
Family Values go to Hell
He Says: On the Senate floor, John Ensign declared,
"Marriage is the cornerstone on which our society was founded. For those who say that the Constitution is so sacred that we cannot or should not adopt the Federal Marriage Amendment. It is not right to mold marriage to fit the desires of a few, against the wishes of so many, and to ignore the important role of marriage."
Sitting at my desk, Jeff Kahn declares, "John Ensign you're a huge fu#*ing hypocrite and the next time you're casting stones at gay marriage not being sacred remember to throw a big fat rock in your own lying cheating face. Good day, sir!"
She Says: Ensign was simply following in the footsteps of Nevada's governor, Jim Gibbons, who last spring was accused by his wife of sending more than 800 text messages to a mistress in 2007. Just another way that technology has let us down.
8. Marriage itself
2009 saw marital happiness lower than ever (same sex couples can marry in Iowa and D.C. but not in the West Village), but even more troubling, low property values and joint health care plans are forcing many couples to stay together. When the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers polled its 1,600 members, nearly 40 percent said that filings were down by 40 percent. We hope the economy recovers so couples can return to business as usual in America. And by that we mean screwing up their relationships and getting the chance to divorce repeatedly (like family values champion Rush Limbaugh, who announced that he'll marry wife #4 on July 4th, 2010).