There's Nothing Normal About Breastfeeding

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Hi! Nice to meet you. I’m a brand new mom.

Well, not exactly brand new. My baby is 6 months old, but I think I pretty much know everything I’m ever going to need to know about raising children. I mean, I know how to dodge a projectile poop, I can burp a baby without causing him to spit up down the back of my shirt and I’ve literally been sleeping through the night for days now.

I would say I’ve graduated to veteran parenting status. Wouldn’t you agree?

To congratulate myself, I think it’s time to start taking a little “Me Time.” You know, just to carve out a little time during each day to do something I enjoy. Like running! That’s perfect. What harm could come from a mother selflessly pushing her baby in a stroller? I know what you’re thinking new friend, “No harm whatsoever!” and I agree.

So let’s go! I’ll get the stroller in the car, can you just grab the diaper bag, some Desitin, a thing of wipes, a handful of Cheerios, two or three board books, my cell phone, that shaky-thingy toy he likes, and the other squeaky-thingy toy with the mirror, oh and also just one or two extra diapers – no not the overnight ones, just the regular ones, and his paccy from behind the couch, some socks, don’t worry about them matching, I’m not that kind of mom, oh and his infant head stabilizer for the carseat and the stroller adapter thing for when we get to the park? Okay, thanks, love ya!

Alright, we’re on our way. Water bottle? Oh no, he doesn’t drink water yet, we’re exclusively breastfeeding right now. Oh for me? Um no, I didn’t bring one. It’s cool, I’ll just chug some when I get home. At least if I’m a tiny bit dehydrated, I won’t leak all over my sports bra, am I right?

So I usually just run this route over here, it’s pretty wooded and secluded, but nothing bad ever happens, so let’s just head this way. Headphones? Oh no, I don’t listen to music, I just talk to my baby about the nature all around us. I feel like listening to music via headphones is basically just as bad as screen time-by-proxy and God knows I definitely won’t be introducing screens until he’s at least two, per the recommendation of the American Pediatrics Association. Um, obviously.

Run. Run. Run. Stop to pick up paccy. Run. Run. Stop to pick up Cheerio container. Run. Run. Run. Stop to pick up a sock. Run. Run. Run. Stop to pick up paccy. Run. Run.

Okay, that was totally invigorating but man, did it get super hot or something while we were out here? I’m drenched! Let’s head home. Baby will be hungry soon and I’d rather not nurse him in the front seat of my car.

Drive. Drive. Drive. Pull over to find paccy. Drive. Drive. Drive.

Okay, we’re back, time to eat! Water? Um, yeah sure I’ll take that water now. I’m feeling a little parched. I’m going to head to the nursery to get started nursing…

Um, haha, having a little trouble here. Baby is pretty darn hungry and my milk just doesn’t want to let down. So weird, right? Haha. Ummm, okay he’s kind of pissed. Yeah, okay I’m starting to freak out a little. Is he starving? I must’ve waited to too long to feed him! Oh no, did I just magically dry up all of a sudden? Oh my gosh, I’m totally dry. I think maybe I should’ve brought that water bottle on our run after all. Or maybe there’s just no milk left in my body! Oh my gosh, his IQ is going to be SO LOW! I wrecked it. I’ve wrecked it all.

Okay, I know what I have to do. I know what I have to do to get the milk to let down. I need to nurse myself. That’s it. Don’t try to stop me! I’m just going to have to nurse myself. That’s the solution. I’m gonna do it. Okay, I’m really going to do it, Baby. Just hold on; hold on one second. Okay, okay, um, okay why is this so salty? Oh my gosh am I eating too much salt? Oh no, those are my tears, okay – keep going, keep going…

Aaaaaand there it is. Oh no, ugh, yuck, gross this is NOT delicious. Ew. No, never again.

Oh no. Are you still here? Oh my gosh. Forget what you just saw! You are never to speak this story to another human being, do you hear me?

Oh my gosh, I just burped him and he spit up everywhere. Could you hand me that burp cloth?