They Are Going To Stop Pressuring Me

I hate the dreaded “Are You Married?” questions. Fuck no. I’m happily single!

The last person who asked me this I just plain told them that I hate this question and I wonder why people keep asking me. One of the responses is that I’m a “cutie” and someone should have put a ring on my finger by now.

Um excuse me?

A man doesn’t define me! I’m happy to be a woman!

If they want to get married, why don’t they do it and quit asking me about it? There’s someone out there for everyone I guess!

I could have been married a long time ago if I wanted to, but I choose not to. I’m not going to get married because that’s what everybody is doing. Or fall into it from pressure just to get a divorce in 3 months. Ever hear of the quote don’t go down the path that everyone else is taking? I’m not going to do it unless I truly want to. When I’m ready to donate my body to science, I’ll let you know! (I hope you get the joke in this).

Some of you might look at this and a few of my articles and think damn she’s a mean selfish bitch. I can be when people mistake my kindness for weakness. And for the record, I am nice. But the bigger issue is why marriage is always seen as the next step for most of us if not everyone. It’s not something I want to rush into. The more people ask me and try to pressure me, the less I want to do it! It’s like those damn sales people trying to get you to buy a product that you don’t want or need. Same idea. If you find this post offensive, imagine how I feel when folks ask me if I’m getting f**** or ask me marriage questions when they really don’t care about me in the first place. You do have the option of stopping here if you don’t like what I’m saying. I always remind people that my posts isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

I was recently at a funeral, and one of the main things they kept talking about was marriage, marriage, marriage. What about what this person did during her life otherwise? Career highlights? What about this person’s hobbies?

Why was marriage the highlight? I’m not trying to judge but that obituary was empty. In my life, maybe at the right time, I want being a wife to be one of my identities, NOT MY ONLY IDENTITY. I don’t want to live my life through another person or by reproducing offspring. I don’t feel the need to have the approval of a male to buy a house, buy a car, travel the world and, I don’t think most people understand that. If they did I wouldn’t get the weird questions.

What about traveling the world? What about having a life outside your S.O (significant other) so you can be a better partner for your future/current spouse? I think one of the best quotes I’ve ever seen? You should be happy regardless if you are married or not. Instead of completely looking for the relationship to make you whole, you should be whole yourself so you can be better for the relationship.

As I was reading this obituary, I was like oh my goodness! It made me realize how short life is, but it also makes me want a complete life that much more. There’s only so much another person can do. I won’t rely on any S.O for all my desires. That’s unfair to put all of that on someone.

Why Pressure Won’t Work On Me

I. Every Guy I Dated Up To This Point Doesn’t Understand That I’m Really Driven And A Go Getter.

A lot of people are impressed with my businesses, my acting roles, my label, etc. BUT THEY HAVEN’T HAPPENED BY THEMSELVES. A BOYFRIEND OR SPOUSE DID NOT DO ANY OF THAT FOR ME.

It takes work and systems to get my businesses to be successful. It takes hours in the recording studio to make records. On a movie set, I can be filming for 12 hours+. I’ve found that many guys have been very distracting and a few wrong moves on my part could have really put me in a sticky situation with screaming brats by a guy that would probably say that I trapped him.Or, by saying I made him do it or quote unquote “made him get it up.” Hell no. There are many times when I walked away when I was being propositioned. Best RESPONSIBLE grown-up decision ever. My life long passions are way more important than being used. I notice that we live in a very instant gratification society, and, because I don’t flaunt it, they don’t think it exists. It takes time for things to materialize and when it happens I choose not to overly talk about it. It takes work and no one gives you something for nothing. I love how some guys think that taking you out to dinner on a first date entitles him to sleeping with you. Boy bye.

The original point I’m trying to make? There are times where I will not answer the phone, texts or take photos (especially when I sign non-disclosure agreements). I’m not legally allowed to share with everyone and their mother what I’m filming and/or project I’m working on. This is not hiding. This is called avoiding lawsuits, being able to keep my mouth shut to get hired again, and avoiding being financially ruined.

If I can find a guy that can leave me alone most of the time and let me participate in my pursuits peacefully, I’ll consider changing my stance on marriage. I’m not going to let someone in my life be a control freak. I also take my time to get to know someone, I never rushed to get someone in bed either! I wouldn’t interfere with their career, and I hate that too many of them tried to distract me from mine. I want to always have my own career identity and make my own name. I’ve seen too many women give up their careers to be sacrificial lambs. That was their choice, this is mine. I hate the idea of missing out on things and not trying something because of other people. Just read the 5 regrets of the dying.

P.S. William Golding is the man. Don’t worry William G. I’m not foolish and was always aware. :) But I live in the world that tries hard to make me who I’m not to fit a norm. Since guys like to attempt to give me crap, I give them a ton of shit to remind them why they shouldn’t. I won’t ever conform my dear. I’ll marry you because you’re dead as a door nail and can’t bother me.

II. Walking Away When It Wasn’t Ideal Was The Best Decision

The idea of being a mother to anything except Tequila and Canadian Geese terrifies me.

Don’t sit here and tell me that my life won’t change when you have kids! IT DOES DAMN IT! Every single one of my friends who have kids their lives have changed (and sure it should, they are blessings, I didn’t say brats this time). They can’t run out to the bars like they used to. Or if they try, they usually have to cancel because they don’t have a babysitter. I can go out to the bars when I want as often as I want without a care in the world. And I enjoy this! Now in 10 years could I change this view. I have to admit I have cut back on socializing to really tackle entrepreneurship, acting, and recording music. It was all my decision to cut back, not based on other people. When you have family obligations, your priorities change (or should change).

I wouldn’t have as much time to build apps, record music, film projects and travel the world with family obligations. If you tell me any different you are telling me a tale.

III. People Seem To Think They Can Tell You What To Do With Your Marriage

I noticed when Chrissy Teigen went out after having her kid with John Legend, they all talked about why she wasn’t home with her kid? And how she should have ordered take in? And she should have done this this and this.

The first thing I thought was why don’t they leave her alone? It’s not like she’s abusing her kid and she has a right to get out of the house. And the main thing it’s no one’s business what happens between Chrissy and John.

You better believe I will have my own life and will have my own thing going on. It never has made sense to live through your kids and husband to the point where you don’t have your own life. Or sit home all day and wait on someone else to do something for you. I don’t get it.

IV. Yes I Did Pay Attention In History Class

Once upon a time I know for a long time in history, women needed to marry men for financially stability and to have some basic rights which really were only at his will. As recently as my grandmother’s generation, women couldn’t drive, vote, buy houses, etc. Some women still marry for financial stability today.

Men, I get that in most circumstances( I guess) you sometimes financially take care of the family.There are MANY women who do this also, but get no special privileges for doing so, it usually adds just another burden on their shoulders. But even with this in mind. I will never let a man define my financial future. Instead of marrying rich, I want to be rich myself. Do you understand this? I do love the fact that I have been told that I will be well taken care of. I still want to take care of myself too. Needing someone and wanting someone is two different things. Do you know the difference?

V. And I’m Going To Have My Own Life And Interests Even If I’m Married. That Effin Won’t Change.

I’m not suggesting that you should come home drunk to your kids every night. Or be a bitch mom that’s selfish to the point where you give the devil’s wife a run for her money. But if I want a girls night out occasionally, what’s wrong with that? I notice ladies, we can be guilty of taking care of everyone but ourselves. We can’t take care of others unless we take care of ourselves first. I know someone who took great care of her kids, grand kids and basically put them first. Guess what happened? They grew up, they moved away and DID NOT appreciate what this lady did for them. They barely call, or communicate in any way.The only time she hears from them is when they want something. The advice I overheard was to find other interests outside your grown up children, because sometimes they are not interested in or appreciative of you or your loyalty to them. OUCH. The only thing I will say that animals are extremely loyal, so get a dog or cat. Am I saying that this is the case for every situation? No. But I’ve seen it one too many times of kids and husbands taking their women for granted, and then forgetting who buttered their bread. I would never date a guy that makes comments saying I’m a gold digger, especially when there in most cases is no gold to dig, and, I am doing you a favor by hooking up with you, and I can get ten other women but I chose you. PLEASE!!! I would remind them that my life doesn’t revolve around you. And go get your ten women and leave me alone then. I’ll be happier without you anyways lol.

While dating a guy, I’ve even said a few times “Dude, we are not connected at the hip”. What would it look like if I tried to go on your all-boys trips to Vegas? Or asked you how many times you went to the restroom? Not a good look. I have no issue with giving someone their space.

VI. Several Of The Marriages I’ve Seen Were/Are Not Happy. These Are Based On True Stories Of People I’ve Known Personally In My Life.

  • In grade school alone, I remember one guy passed away from suicide, and two instances where two guys shot their wives. And countless reports of cheaters and abusers inside and outside of school. This all happened in grade school with school aged kids. I remember all this because people claimed that they were so happy and sat together in church on Sundays like they were. This was also a private school, so they tried to still front appearances but deal with the situations behind closed doors at the same time. The ideal family situation and the image they wanted to portray was being threatened, and I’m sure if they could have found a way to swept this under the rug without saying anything, they would have done it. Fronting appearances is very common.
  • I know too many stories women get abused, raped, and nearly beaten to death (with a few guys along the abused ones, but they are embarrassed to admit it). I won’t say who they are though. What makes it worst is that the people around them praised them for “sticking it out.” In some of the cases, the abuse kept going because it was mentioned that she was making him angry.
  • I had someone admit to the fact they were embarrassed to admit they were married. The person hid it from friends from some time, the person’s best friend had no clue FOR MONTHS.
  • I saw guys get in touch with family members saying that their wife was gone for the weekend and they wanted to bang. I’m thinking if they are going to cheat, why get or stay married in the first place?
  • I heard stories of husbands ripping the streets with other women while their wives were in the hospital having children. Then eventually they told their wives about these children by other women. Marriage is not about having children by two or three other people while you are married. I’m ashamed to admit that I know situations like this.

Yes there are happy-committed marriages out there with friends and cousins being examples. But the countless ones I described above were not obviously. I know too many situations similar to the ones above so I will proceed with caution on the sacrament of marriage with major marriage counseling. And if I were to go into details of these marriages that I’ve seen, I would have enough material to write a book, but this is a blog post. I’m shortening it up for your attention span. I’ve seen some real hot messes.

VII. I Put My Middle Finger Up And Said Deuces To Being Perfect. I Stopped Trying To Be Perfect A Long Time Ago.

The double standard thrives. Being a lady, I’ve seen men get away with stuff that a woman could not do in all kinds of scenarios. What do you call a guy who sleeps with a lot of ladies? Pimp, player, damnn son you got all them hoes? But what is a lady called when she does the same thing? Hoe, slut, prostitute, etc. In school, I saw how my male friends got away with so many mistakes and still got into organizations and positions I tried to run for. There are so many of weird double standards, and so many of them are so ingrained in our culture, we may not even notice them anymore. So as a wife and woman, am I naturally expected to be the better person?

You are expected to be demonstrative emotionally because it’s a marker of femininity (but you will be punished for being too emotional and having no self control if you are). You are expected to be warm and sensitive (but you will be perceived as vulnerable and by extension, weak, if you are — because these are “soft” traits). You are expected to be liked by everyone (but being liked by everyone will often mean avoiding controversy, strong opinions — or opinions at all — and never publicly disagreeing with anyone). You are expected to be the communicator and the nurturer, whose primary function is to get everyone on the same page, often at your own expense (but you will be perceived as a serial compromiser with no backbone if you do that). You are supposed to be decisive (but if you are, you will be punished for not getting enough input from other people, or being arrogant for not second-guessing yourself). You are supposed to be upbeat and bubbly (but if you are, people will think your bubbly-ness is a function of your airheaded-ness). And so on. -Elizabeth Spiers

I, Alesha Peterson will make plenty of mistakes and will no longer aim to be perfect. Society won’t make me feel guilty for not following the crowd. I will not aim to be a perfect S.O for a male when the time comes.

Bonus question time! Why should I be jealous of someone who has to depend on husband, or a male to have a descent lifestyle? Why do I have to act or be needy to satisfy their ego? During a football game, one time a family member asked if that was a football or basketball going across the screen while her husband was watching TV, and I was so done! I will never act that stupid for anyone’s damn ego. They keep saying from the outside people want in, and people on the inside want out. I’m on the outside and happy to be an outsider. I wish people would stop emphasizing relationships just for the sake of having one, even a bad one.

I’m not a man-hater, as some family members and societal members alike want to say. I just wish they stop defining me based on a boyfriend, or saying you trying to dress cute for a man, or, that I must feed his fragile ego. No, my self-esteem and self-worth is not based on male acceptance, for the 100th time.

For those who have taken the next step in their lives, great! You will not see me wreak a marriage ceremony. I’m surprisingly quiet wishing them the best. Hell, even if I’m not invited I’ll ship a gift if you send me an address. Champagne anyone?

But for me I won’t walk down any aisles for a while. Just keeping it real. And I still HATE that people keep saying I’ll be this cute kick-ass wife for some guy. It’s not always about looks or having “cute looking kids”. My privates are not these magical ovens that can automatically create these perfect beings (despite contrary belief and comments from mothers going “aw your so cute for my son..”). Instead of looking for the right person I want to be the right person. Why can’t we make each other better? Why does it always seem like I’m this perfect person that can turn him into an angel? I’m here to tell you that I’m not a saint. I’m not a reform school either. I’m going to take the unpopular stance of doing things for yourself by yourself to fulfill yourself. By relying too much on others for happiness, you will end up getting hurt in the long run. More and more I’m getting to a point where my happiness affected by my personal achievements, travels, and aspirations. I’m not trying to suggest that other people can’t add happiness to you. Or that a guy in your life isn’t able to bring you joy, I’m sure he can. However, This Transcend Your Limits article hits it perfectly. By letting people decide how happy you are, you give away the most basic control of yourself to people that may or may not turn out to be good for you, or even responsible enough to be trusted with your happiness. Being alone doesn’t scare me because I stopped seeking validation from others a LONG time ago. This post is not intended to beat down marriage because I know plenty of people who believe in and will promote marriage. People will always promote family and marriage to keep the family structure going, I totally get it. It’s the picture-perfect image society wants to portray. I’ve watched people in my own family stay in unhappy marriages just for the status quo. Life is too short to be unhappy. While the marriage ceremony is cute, too many don’t focus on the life afterwards. From observation, people glamorize marriage too much when it’s hard work. It’s a contract and a commitment that I will not ever rush into. I can’t even begin to tell you the countless stories I’ve heard from other people saying this or that about their husbands or wives and how they wish they were single again. The irony is they thought they were so much better when they got married. This supposed to be the ideal situation, the status people apparently strives for. Why are you complaining to me, this is what you wanted right? You are dogging this person out who is supposed to be the love of your life! I just happen to be stuck in the car and couldn’t get away in many of these instances.

Yes I think marriage and kids are can be good despite me dogging the hell out of it. If it’s at the right time and if I want to do it. It may feel like everyone’s flashing engagement rocks, planning out their weddings with their bride mates, talking about all the life adventures they will have. In my head, I’ve been wondering why is people in a rush to settle. I hope it’s not pressure and it’s genuine true love. On a serious note I also do not want to be one of these people that marries 4, 5 , or 6 times. I’m thinking about being a one and doner. If I can’t get it right the first time, I don’t think I’ll re-marry. I’m sure some of you will say that mistakes will happen and third time is the charm, but it’s still a goal to aspire for. But to make myself clear, it’s when I want to aspire to do it. When guys try to move things along quickly, I have major alarms go off in my head. I’m a take my time and build emotional connection person. I refuse to be used, and I don’t have stupid or easy etched on my forehead. I actually have a few ideas that has stopped people from asking me about wedding bells and I’m not giving it away. When I was in grade school, it was what high school am I going to. Senior year of high school, it was what college I’m going to. Now people keep asking me my age, husband’s name, my engagement status, and if I have kids. Lord, I’m going to appear to be rude when people ask me these things. I ask for your forgiveness in advance.

I think weddings are great. But I feel no pressure. Kids are cute. But go home with your parents.

Follow Alesha Peterson on Twitter: https://twitter.com/aleshapeterson

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