1. There's no such thing as a "quick trip" to the grocery store.
2. A grocery cart with a race car frame is the fastest cart to give your kids the flu.
3. The free cookie in the bakery is a gateway drug that makes your kids think everything in the store is delicious and free.
4. Toddlers can miss their mouth with a chicken nugget four out of five times, but they can throw a sock in the lobster tank from 15 feet away on their first try.
5. Every aisle is the candy aisle to a toddler.
6. Frozen foods are like kids in Facebook photos: They look better than they really are.
7. Nobody under 10 years old can keep a promise not to run a grocery cart over your heel.
8. Strangers who stop to say your kids are cute didn't see them knock over the store display.
9. Your first trip of the day to a grocery store is just a practice run for the return trip you'll need to make later in the day.
10. Toddlers can figure out how to remove themselves from a shopping cart faster than Harry Houdini.
11. More than 90 percent of veggies bought with good intentions are scraped into sinks, trash cans and dogs' mouths.
12. A free sample is still big enough to make you have to change your kids' clothes when they inevitably spill it.
13. The freezer section isn't as cold as the look your toddler will give you for not buying them ice cream.
14. Similar to how you want to check fruit for bruises, toddlers want to check the aerodynamics of glass jars.
15. Kids can't taste the difference, but they can recognize the box of a generic brand and know how long a tantrum must last before you switch to the brand with popular cartoon characters.
16. If you are in a hurry, a toddler will make you take them to the bathroom, where they will decide that they don't really have to go because the thought of hearing a public toilet flush is terrifying.
17. The express checkout is not a reward for your kids opening 10 items or less that you hadn't bought yet.
18. You can buy a lottery ticket, but the bigger gamble is thinking the extra minute it takes to buy the ticket isn't enough time for your kids to knock down another store display.
19. Toddlers only want to hold their parents' hands in a grocery store parking lot with both of their feet kicking in the air.
20. Out of the $200 worth of groceries you ultimately get, milk was the only item you intended to buy.
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