30 Things You Can Say to Both Your Toddler and Your Drunk Friend

"You can't nap here. You need to go to your bed."
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Toddlers can be irritable, opinionated, self-righteous creatures. Parenting them often reminds me of taking care of a drunk friend. A drunk friend who lives with you and never leaves. Nonetheless, toddlers and irresponsible friends happen.

Here are 30 things you can say to both your toddler and your drunk friend:

  1. You can't nap here. You need to go to your bed.

  • We don't eat food from strangers.
  • We never touch our private parts in public.
  • We pee in toilets, not in the street.
  • Chew with your mouth closed.
  • Keep your fingers out of your nose.
  • I am not playing that song again. We have heard it 15 times. Put on your pants.
  • Don't put that in your mouth.
  • It's not nice to stare.
  • Yes, those are boobies, but we don't touch those.
  • I know, couch is a funny word.
  • You have to eat all your food.
  • Stop looking at me like that.
  • I'm going to tell your father.
  • We need to use our "inside" voice.
  • Please keep your hands to yourself.
  • Don't point, it's rude.
  • Please go back and wash your hands.
  • Do you really think whining will get you what you want?
  • Please hold my hand in the parking lot. I don't want you to get hit by a car.
  • I don't have any more money. Please stop asking.
  • I know I said you could have ice cream, but it's too late now.
  • Please don't roll around in the grass, you are going to get your clothes dirty.
  • I am not going to ask you to sit down again. SIT DOWN.
  • Please don't ask me if we're almost there. I will tell you when we get there.
  • Do you need to sit in my lap?
  • I need you to use nice words.
  • We don't hit. Hitting is bad.
  • Why are you holding yourself? Do you need to pee?
  • I told you to sit here. Why did you leave? You have to tell me when you're going somewhere.
  • Next time you have the task of taking care of a drunk friend, remember why you love them. Be patient and hold their hand. They probably won't remember in the morning, but just like a toddler, they need your love.

    Meredith is a work-from-home mother of three who writes about the inappropriate side of marriage and motherhood on her blog at That's Inappropriate. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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