This Election Has Ruined Bedroom Talk Forever

I’m sorry, dear readers, but the golden age of sexy talk is long gone.

While this election cycle and its bevy of quotable quotes has been YUUUGE for your Twitter impressions, it has absolutely ruined your ability to impress your beloved in the bedroom using the subtle beauty of the English language.

Following the presidential debates, so full of stimulating verse and metrical composition, what can one whisper betwixt their lover’s arms that doesn’t evoke Hillary Clinton’s power mullet or Donald Trump’s sagging flesh? Though I’ve been called the Svengali of Syntax and the Bard of the Bedroom, I’ve run completely dry of romp rhetoric because these two have used everything in the book.

Look, “nasty woman” and “bad hombre” are going to be fine; they’re tried-and-true phrases on which we’ve all leaned to jump-start the arousal process. They’ll live to titillate again.

But there are expressions bastardized by these candidates that have now escaped our lusty lexicons, doomed to a life on the political stage:

“Trump Hotel right here in Las Vegas was made with Chinese steel.”

One of the classic sweet nothings, gone forever.

“There’s nothing I can think of that I’d rather do than have Russia friendly, as opposed to the way they are right now, so that we can go and knock out ISIS with other people.”

It’s the kinky icebreaker used around the world. It’s passionate, emotional and driven ― it’d make anyone weak in the knees. It’s also been rendered unusable between the sheets, thanks to Trump.

“No puppet, no puppet … You’re the puppet.”

It’s a viable safe-word, and an effective social lubricant. GONE.

“Thanks a lot for doing a great job.”

What else does one say in a post-coital embrace? I submit that there is nothing else. Trump said it to Clinton, so we can’t say it in private anymore.

“Wrong ... Wrong ... ... ... Wrong.”

GONE.

“Nobody has more respect for women than me. Nobody.”

GONE.

“Make America great again.”

Dead to the bedroom.

“The security aspect of cyber is very, very tough. And maybe, it’s hardly doable. But I will say, we are not doing the job we should be doing. But that’s true throughout our whole governmental society. We have so many things that we have to do better, Lester. And certainly cyber is one of them.”

OK, maybe we can still say that one. That’s just hot.