This Gay Is Exhausted From Causing Hurricane Sandy

I am positively exhausted. No, not from cleaning up the mess that Hurricane Sandy left in my yard. I am exhausted from causing Hurricane Sandy! Yes, my homosexuality brought on God's wrath and is the reason for this storm, according to preacher John McTernan of the Defend and Proclaim the Faith ministries.

I admit it. I was as gay as a goose last week. What I was thinking?! It was not intentional. I guess it was all the excitement leading up to the gay High Holy Day, Halloween. We gays were so busy trying on gowns and applying makeup that we must have angered God with all our gender inversion and perversion. Now that I see all the destruction from the hurricane, I feel terrible.

In his brilliant blog post "When God Judges a Nation for Homosexuality," which appears on his insightful website, John McTernan's Insights, Mr. McTernan states, "It is apparent that 'the cup' of America's sin is rapidly filling up and overflowing." Oh, I wish it had been more apparent to those of us doing the sinning! I never would have recklessly kissed my partner and wantonly paraded around the house in those high heels if I had realized the repercussions!

Thank God we have someone like John McTernan to set us straight. I wish I had listened when he warned Americans that Hurricane Isaac was the direct result of that gay, gay, gay Southern Decadence event in New Orleans. "It could be that God is putting an end to this city and its wickedness," he declared, "The timing of Hurricane Isaac with Southern Decadence is a sign that God's patience with America's sin is coming to an end." But, you know, we gays just do not get the message very easily. It is obvious now that severe weather is controlled by a heterosexual God! Just look at those names: Sandy, Isaac, Katrina, Andrew. If gays were in control of the weather, those hurricanes would have much more fabulous names like Hurricane DeeDee Molish, Hedda Fuh K'vuh, Atesta Fema, Augusta Winds, Lotta Waves, Flotilla Device, Anita Battery or Branche Debris. But because we do not control the weather, it is used as a weapon against us. The minute we homosexuals get too gay, in swoops another catastrophic weather system to remind America of our evil homosexual agenda.

I am in a quandary. It is Halloween, and I want to enjoy it. But what if I overdo it? What if my gayness just oozes out all over the place unintentionally? What will God do next? Tornado? Tsunami? Godzilla?

And Mr. McTernan has me nervous about the election next week, too. I do not want to cause any more trouble, but Mr. McTernan is not endorsing either major party candidate. We all know of Obama's support for gay marriage, and, according to Mr. McTernan, this can only lead to disaster: "[Obama] connects the Holy God of Israel with sodomy, and the LORD will have none of it." Yikes! What I did not realize (until I read the insightful Insights) is that Romney, too, is causing problems! According to Mr. McTernan, Gov. Romney is a "pro-homosexual Mormon" who believes that "Lord Jesus Christ was brothers with satan." Plus, he adds that Gov. Romney "is a big time pro-homosexual supporter to the point he will keep open homosexuality in the military; he wants homosexuals in the Boy Scouts; and he wants more open homosexuals in the Republican Party." And all this time I thought Gov. Romney and the Republican Party were trying to deny my rights as a gay American! I am so confused!

I do not know what to do. I think I will turn out all my lights so that the little trick-or-treaters will pass by my house this Halloween. I will just sit in the dark and gorge on Milky Ways, Tootsie Rolls and Snickers in order to avoid any more potential disasters from occurring this year.