Build a better mousetrap and the world beats a path to your door, but what does it beat if you build a better sex toy?
Valentine's Day is a time for hearts and flowers, but sometimes you need a little more than that to move to more passionate realms.
That's where HuffPost Weird News can lend a hand, by helping you find some of this year's most outrageous sex toys.
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Surely, one of them will rub you the right way.
One final warning: This gallery is not for everybody. But if you're using one of these items to enjoy consensual sex with another responsible adult (or by yourself), all we can say is, "Happy Valentine's Day."
Promescent Spray
Promescent.com
There are sex toys and there are sex tools. Promescent spray falls into the latter category. Guys who are quick on the draw can spray this on their privates and it will slow down the arousal, allowing them to spend more time doing something (or someone) they love. (www.promescent.com)
TAZapper
The TAZapper will be an electrifying addition to your sex life: A device that gives off a 9-volt jolt depending on which body part it touches.
(We'd like to point out that this product has no connection to the company that produces TASER products for law enforcement organizations, but who knows what inspires lovers who are in the mood for some adventure? Kink.com)
(We'd like to point out that this product has no connection to the company that produces TASER products for law enforcement organizations, but who knows what inspires lovers who are in the mood for some adventure? Kink.com)
X2 Orgasmatron
Orgasmatronics.com
The Orgasmatron sounds like a robot character from a softcore sci-fi porn spoof. What it promises is slightly more intense: The manufacturer claims the vibrator uses basic physics to ensure the buzzing not only hits the tip of the clitoris but also nerve endings inside the body. (X2 Orgasmatron)
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Sasha Grey Deep Throat Pocket Pal
AdamEve.com
You might not experience oral sex from porn actress Sasha Grey, but how about her "Deep Throat Pocket Pal"? The device is apparently "molded directly from her pouty lips and tongue," and creates a natural suction effect. The fact that it looks like a weird parasitic alien from a bad sci-fi film is of no concern to you, Earthling! (AdamEve.com)
My Diletto
AdultDVDEmpire.com
My Diletto works a lot like a rowing machine, except the user is arguably getting more out of it. The man or woman uses the poles to move the seat and attached sex toy in and out. You get a workout while working yourself over. (My Diletto)
Fetish Fantasy Web Restraint
AdamEve.com
Sadly, mattress manufacturers are still stuck with their old-fashioned ideas that a bed is just for sleeping in. Luckily, the Fetish Fantasy Web Restraint rejects that boring notion by turning the bed into a "fantasy bondage sex web of seduction." Of course, removing the restraints when it's time to sleep is no one's fantasy. (AdamEve.com)
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The Face F*ck
AdultDVDEmpire.com
It's a mouth gag AND a dildo! It's two toys in one. Want to intimidate those annoying solicitors? Answer the door with this. (The Face F*ck)
G-Spot Touch Finger Vibe
AdamEve.com
The first sex toy may have been a finger, but for generations no one has bothered to improve upon it. Until now. The G-Spot Touch Finger Vibe manages to turn the middle finger into a vibrator, thanks to a giant pink appendage. Best of all: Its enlarged size makes it easy to reach the G-Spot and ensures no one will miss when you flip them the bird. (AdamEve.com)
Auto Banger
AdultDVDEmpire.com
The Auto Banger apparently uses the same principles as the nailgun -- except for getting screwed (see how we did that?). (Auto Banger)
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Beginner Butt Plug
LoveLifeToys.com
For people who are interested in exploring anal play, but don't know where to start, there is the "Explore." It's a butt plug for beginners that isn't too big, or too small, but is just right. The two-fingered handle makes it easy to hold whether you're inserting or removing. (LoveLifeToys.com)
The Blewit
Blewit.com
This photo makes the Blewit look like a kinky version of Mary Poppins' umbrella. Spoiler alert: It's not. The Blewit's selling point is that it's a masturbation sleeve that doesn't look like a masturbation sleeve. Oh, and it's easy to clean. The manufacturer suggests guys with premature ejaculation problems practice with this. Novel selling point, indeed. (www.blewit.com)
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The Bad Dragon
Kink.com
Want a dildo that looks like it could be out of "Game of Thrones"? Seems like the Bad Dragon is a perfect fit. (Kink.com)
SlapHappy
SlapHappy.com
The SlapHappy bills itself as the "Swiss Army Knife" of sex toys, but not because it includes nail clippers and a bottle opener. The vibrator is flexible and can be shaped and contorted in all sorts of positions, depending on the user's preference. (SlapHappy.com)
