This Just In: FCC Discovers TV Causes Violence

According to the Federal Communications Commission, violence is caused by TV, and Congress ought to do something about it. Of course this isn't exactly news. There have been studies proving this on a monthly basis from 1952 to the present, and the evidence is overwhelming.

Some of this action has been going lately to sexually charged, violent video games, but it's only on the fringes, like the pre-1952 action surrounding comic books. But most Americans now alive had their urge to violence created, nurtured and developed by television.

Of the many convincing experiments my favorites are the ones where they find a bunch of 5- or 6-year-olds who are behaving nicely. Where they find these children I don't know, but researchers are very resourceful. Then they show the nicely-behaving children cartoons on TV and after the cartoon viewing they monitor the behavior of the children, which is shocking: they start chasing and sometimes hitting one another. This sounds like fun to me, but I'm not a scientist.

Anyway, there are lots and lots of other studies which use different methods, but they all reach the same conclusion. The only thing which remains something of a mystery is World War II, which according to historians took place before the advent of television. Where did people get the idea to murder one another by the tens of millions? Radio? I've never heard anyone suggest it was radio. So that remains a stumper.

But aside from World War II the studies have shown a clear, causal relationship between violence on TV and the terrible behavior of children, who then grow up to behave even worse as adults. Many of these former children become violent, and most of them engage in sex, also caused by TV.

That pretty much covers all human misbehavior, except possibly fraud, bribery, and political corruption, which people engage in only as a substitute for sex and violence, because they are too scared to engage in the real deal.

Anyway, I'm definitely with the FCC. Congress must act now, before it's too late.