This Place Sucks

By An American Teenager Vacationing in Europe with His Parents

I mean, what's all the hype around this place? I've been here for three weeks already and I can't wait to get back home. Nothing cool. It's all, look: old shitty buildings. Look: old shitty churches. Look: old shitty bridges built by Romans. Look: old shitty people with weird clothes.

Look: I can't wait to get the fuck out of here.

I'm so pissed at my parents for bringing me here. Total waste of money. They could have done something cool with that. Like bought me a fucking PlayStation 4 or some shit. But no. I'm stuck here while Chad and Mark and everyone else is hanging out with Sarah Benson and Amanda Rollins and their hot-as-fuck friends. You know how I know that? Because they Snapchat me pictures of them drinking and playing strip poker and stuff. Do you know what it's like to know I'm missing out on that? I mean, what the fuck, mom? What the fuck, dad?

What. The. Fuck.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to get out of this trip. My parents say things like, "just appreciate this opportunity," and "you'll get more out of this than you could ever imagine," and "Parker, this cathedral is from the 1300s, take off your headphones and listen to the monks chant." Fucking idiots. My parents, not the monks. The monks are actually pretty chill. They wear hoodies all the time and drink. That's what my summer could be like back in Dayton.

But no, I'm here.

Fucking kill me.

And don't even get me started on the food. Not one good cheeseburger on this whole continent. I mean, we've been to like 13 countries here and nothing. Waste of time. It's all, look, here's a unique local twist on an American classic. But every time it sucks. So pissed.

So pissed.

And, oh yeah, we're driving around everywhere in this stupid, tiny car that can barely fit the three of us and----

Oh wait, what is this? Oh my god, is this for real? Holy shit, I've gotta go. This is awesome. We just got to a beach and it's a topless one or something. What? Dad, this is what they do here? Whattt? No wayyyyy. Okay, okay, okay. I guess this place is alright.

You just gotta stick to the beaches, though.