I’ve been corresponding with a reader seeking relationship advice. She has been divorced for several years, and was recently in a relationship for well over a year, which she thought was happy, healthy, and loving, until her boyfriend broke up with her via text! Here are some things she wrote:
I never saw it coming.
He instantly and completely shut me out.
She said she found out three days after he broke up with her that he was in another relationship.
I truly think this is a rebound relationship for him and pray it won’t work and ends sooner than later. It’s just so hard since things were so good, at least I thought, and he moved on right away if not before he ended it! It really hurts knowing he is so happy and I can’t stop thinking about him and us!
With this guy I finally felt like I had found the one that I truly was compatible with and trusted him so much and never ever expected him to do this to me! He truly fooled me! I am a bit angry but I think I am extremely hurt! And what hurts is that I am in pain and he is happy and doesn’t care. He was the most caring person I have ever met and bam suddenly he doesn’t care at all. I just wish he was hurting like I was, but instead he instantly started a new relationship and got rid of me.
I’ve been in these shoes. I get that burning feeling of anger, combined with intense pain and sadness of missing the person. Add in that picture you constantly have in your head that he and his new girlfriend are in bliss. (which is only temporary but you are focused on right now.) It feels helpless and humiliating and just plain old awful.
Here are 10 pieces of relationship advice for this situation:
1. There is no way in hell his new relationship is going to work out long term. It just won’t.
2. The fact that he broke up via text speaks volumes about his cowardly character.
3. He might be blissful right now, but just wait. This is only the 5th inning! Tell me how happy they are in 6 months.
4. Love really is blind. What I mean by that is there is so much we won’t let ourselves see when we are in love. I truly believe that in time, this woman will look back and see the signs she missed about this guy. It will take awhile, but she will start remembering things he said and did that she subconsciously ignored because she loved him and wanted things to work out. It will be both sad and liberating when this happens.
5. That feeling of being burned is horrible. It feels like there is no justice. It’s awful. The best way to deal with it is to let time go by and focus on making yourself happy, enjoying each day, and spending time with friends and people you love. Try to appreciate things in life, and try not to think about the picture of the guy and his new love in bliss, and remember that picture is only temporary. Ten bucks they break up and the guy tries to get back together with this woman.
6. Don’t think he doesn’t care about you. He probably does care but is too much of a coward to have any kind of confrontation with you. In other words, it’s easier for him to avoid you, and enjoy this relationship that is making him happy at the moment. He sounds very weak, immature and selfish.
7. Try to remember the good parts of your relationship. It was real and there are good things that will come of it. I think every relationship makes us a better person and helps us grow.
8. I think you are a little bit traumatized by how abruptly he ended things. This might affect you for a long time. He pulled the rug out from underneath you when you felt very sure. That is very very difficult and painful to deal with. It makes it hard to believe you are capable of ever trusting anyone again. Remember that not every man is like this man. He has issues that I’m sure go way beyond you.
9. Someday you will look back on this and although it will always hurt, you will be in such a good place that you’ll be glad things turned out the way they did. It doesn’t feel like that now, but it will.
10. Be patient as you heal and move on. It takes time and you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Lastly, be glad you weren’t married when this happened! You could be going through another divorce. This is a clean break and I believe you will be better off. This guy sounds toxic.
Here’s the thing. Again, I know what it feels like to be in this situation. It’s horrible and painful. It feels so unfair. It feels bitter and you feel like, “When do I get my happy ending?” The hurt is exhausting and weeks go by and it’s depressing. You wish you could call the person and say, “Don’t you miss me as much as I miss you?” but deep down you know the answer. He’s in the infatuation stage with some woman and I predict it will last for a few months at best.
I deeply feel for this woman, but I know in my heart she will get over this and find happiness with someone else at some point. It takes a lot of time and patience, and there will be times she will feel like she can’t stand the pain and loneliness any longer.At least, that’s what I remember. But in time, she will find love again if that is what she wants, and this relationship will seem so wrong to her when that happens. I know it sounds trite, but everything really does happen for the best. It is when our strength is tested that we find out who we really are. Remember five words: courage, grace, wisdom and faith and gratitude. Those are the words that will get you through this.
Jackie Pilossoph is the creator of her website, Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of her novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationship column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press. Pilossoph lives with her family in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.