The only way to get a woman to tell the truth is to get her naked -- so says Thor Lund, the former student government president at the University of Texas at Austin.
Lund took a break from blogging about being a vegan and training for a half marathon to explain women to his masses of readers in a post Wednesday. The post, titled "What I've learned about Women," has since been removed, but a cached version can be found here.
Lund's treatise clocked in at over 5,100 words. Early on, Lund explains that women may lie all day long about their feelings, weight and friends' handbags, but when he gets a girl back to his place, "she will tell the truth about what she wants to do when she grows up, what her family is like, what her city is like, and why she has that stupid oversized purse."
Interesting, please go on.
So without further adieu, here are my rules for women…
1. "When you realize women make absolutely no sense, it all makes sense." - Thor Ericson Lund
Wait, let's stop there. Yes, Lund did just quote himself. Then he goes on to explain the three places you should examine on a woman's body if you want to find out more about her:
The first is her eyes, because you can tell if she is interested in you or not with the eyes. The second is her neck because it is the most sensitive part of her body and you want to check for an adams apple. If she has one of those, she is most likely a man so you should avoid trying to sleep with her/him. The third and most important place you can look at a woman is her toes. Why? Because the toes tell all. If her feet are pretty and her nails are painted then you can assume the rest of her body is well groomed and cleaned. If she has gross feet, then chances are she has gross you know what and you will want to avoid that at all costs.
The mighty Thor then teaches us how to flirt like a seventh-grader:
If you really like her, tell her you can't stand her. If you think she is pretty, make fun of her oversized purse and ask her if she keeps a parachute inside it. If she is the nicest girl you've ever met, tell her that you don't like it that she is so mean to young children
This Casanova goes on to explain that when he wants to hook up with women, he simply texts them "DT?" because he's not clingy.
Seriously its so simple, do the opposite. Every other frat guy out there is going to say "you are so pretty, can I buy you a drink?" he just got friend zoned because he is like everyone else, and he asked for her permission.
Wait, no, we're pretty sure women like guys who obtain consent. Lund might want to revisit his first paragraph from this very same blog post, and remember that "No always means no."
Lund does admit he sometimes screws up:
Even I forget this sometimes. This is how I lost my second real girlfriend, and how I creeped out a beautiful young charming woman just last month. The first was my second real girlfriend, I treated her like she was the only woman in the whole world that mattered, she was so special that I didn't care that she was hooking up with other guys, or that I had become her bitch and I did all sorts of manual labor during the day for her so that she could go out at night and sleep with whoever she met on sixth. It sucked, but I learned a lot. Now I'm the guy hooking up with the girlfriend. Not my fault, I tried to be a nice boy, it doesn't work. Girls hate nice clingy boys who do everything they want. It doesn't make sense but that is how it is. Okay so I still haven't learned.
Luckily, he just met a girl who has a boat. He's apparently really excited about that.
One last bit of wisdom from Lund:
The final piece of advice I have for talking to girls is to confuse them. Honestly they deserve it, they have perplexed men since the beginning of time when they tricked us to eat the devil's food in the garden of eden. Give them a taste of their own medicine. If you can confuse their brain, then they will go home with you. Again, I don't know why and it doesn't make sense but it just does.
Again, we don't know why you felt like you needed to write this.
Longhorns were not happy about the blog post. This isn't just some random kid on campus, but last year's student government president.
Lund took down the diatribe sometime on Thursday afternoon, and offered this statement in its place:
I have removed the blog post because it cost me one of my closest friendships with a woman who in unlike any other on the face of this planet. She has done more for me that anyone besides my mother. I offended her, I am ashamed, and I am sorry. I have learned that you should never talk about women disrespectfully even if for satire. They are all each unique and incredible and will some day be a mother as well. I am sorry for all the people I have hurt and I hope I can learn from this. I only ask that people read other parts of my blog before judging my true character and that they also try going vegan for a week.
But around the same time he posted this on Twitter, acknowledging a critical op-ed in The Daily Texan, the school's student newspaper:
His fellow Texans would really rather Lund just kept his mouth shut: