Thoughts On Making Soaps and Mating Goats At The Fabulous Beekman Boys Farm

In some cultures, three is considered a holy number. In others it is a lucky number. In still more, it an evil number. Whatever your particular beliefs, it's clear that all of us everywhere, every single person in the whole wide world, has fascination with the number three. And guess what -- last week was week number three of the Fabulous Beekman Boys. Woohoo, woohoo!!!

As I recap the episode, I will, as always, use the same scale of goats to indicate whether what I see makes it more or less likely that I follow Josh and Brent's example and leave NYC for a simpler life somewhere else.

The episode opens with some sexy sex talk. My hopes soar that this might be the best episode ever, of anything. I realize, however, that it is not human sex talk. It's goat sex talk. My hopes vanish, poof! Josh and Brent are talking to Farmer John about the goat's breeding season. Farmer John is the pimp of the farm. He decides who has sex with who and coordinates the breeding. We learn that goats are the lifeblood of Beekman. They use their milk for everything, for the soap, the cheese, for whatever they can. If they have more goats, they can make more product. Breeding season is going to be active. And from what we see, loud, as goats like to make noise while they bone. Not something I would want to deal with, really. Coordinating large amounts of loud goat sex. One goat.

We learn that part of the mating process for goats involves the males peeing on themselves, most specifically on their own beards. I have a beard. I don't like the idea of it being covered in urine. One goat.

Josh and Brent have fourteen thousand bars of soap they need to produce and package in order to fulfill their existing orders. They talk strategy. Brent wants to do it all himself. Josh doesn't think it's a good idea. Brent insists. Josh tells him again it doesn't seem like a good idea. Brent insists. I don't like the idea of producing and packaging fourteen thousand bars of soap all by myself. One goat.

Deb the soapmaker comes by the farm. She needs milk to produce all of the above-mentioned bars of soap. Brent has forgotten to get the milk. There's a problem, and I sense a bigger one coming. Because I don't like the idea of all of those bars of soap. I do like the idea of not having to do it. Five goats.

Josh gets quizzed on the ratio of goat-to-cow milk in Beekman cheese. He fails, gets an F. He needs to know because he is going to deliver the newest batch of cheese to the stores in NY. I always failed quizzes, so I'm comfortable with the idea. But I'm also forty, and don't like the idea of being quizzed. Two goats.

Brent talks about the new Beekman monthly soap product. You get one bar for every month, each made with a different recipe. Each is said to have a delightful odor. It's a delightful soap bonanza. I like delightful soaps. I like the word bonanza. Four goats.

Josh is back in New York. I actually love seeing New York. It looks great. Busy and crowded and loud. Fuck yeah, New York City. Josh is walking down the street with a cooler full of Beekman cheese. He looks like a fool. And from what he says, he feels like a fool. He goes to deliver the cheese to a high-end cheese shop in Brooklyn. I like high-end cheese shops. They smell weird and cool and awesome. And the cheese they sell, my god, it's unbelievable. He gets the ratio right when he talks to the shop manager, so I guess the quiz was a good thing. The fact that I'm so excited by seeing NY and a fancy shop it is not good, however, if I'm thinking of leaving the city. Maybe I'm not ready. One goat.

We actually see the fourteen thousand bars of soap. It's an unreal amount in one place. I'm actually sort of scared. So much fucking soap. So much, so much. Brent has to package it all by himself. Me. I'd never do it. I'd find someone to do it for me. One goat.

Emergency, emergency. There's a horny goat, his beard soaked with his own pee, on the loose. His name is Darkness. He's very aggressive and has sharp horns. Need I say more? One goat.

Brent is now actually packaging the soap. He has to wrap each piece in paper and tie the paper with a cute string bow. He has to do all fourteen thousand pieces. He is guzzling coffee, which is something I do every day, so I like that part of it, but the rest is a nightmare. One goat.

Josh calls to check in on his progress. He is clearly exhausted. He looks a little like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Josh tells him he should get some help. Brent says he doesn't need any help, he's going to do it himself, HE DOESN'T NEED ANY HELP. I have never heard of a suicide by soap, or caused by soap, but I'm thinking their might be one. On TV. In a couple minutes. One goat.

Friends show up to help. Thank god. Tragedy is averted. Brent is initially happy. I think he knows he might have been over his head. But then they don't perform up to his standards. He says he thinks kindergartners would have done better. Man, he really is like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, striking out at those who love him. One goat.

Josh shows up to help with the last of the soap. Brent is mean to him and tells him it doesn't matter that that he's there for the final two trays. They do, though, share a nice kiss, and finish the job as a team. All couples fight a bit, nice kisses are good thing, and teamwork is the key to any sort of corporate success. Good work, Beekman Boys. Three goats.

The episode ends with more goat sex. Please, help me. One goat.

Total number of categories: 14
Total number of goats: 24
Average: 1.7

Looks like I'm staying in the city.

The docudrama The Fabulous Beekman Boys, starring Josh and Brent, airs on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. EST on Planet Green. Learn where to tune in your area here, watch the first episode for free on, or download all episodes from itunes.

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