COMEDY

81 Thoughts You Have When Someone Shows Up To Work Sick

Goddammit, Steve!

1. Did I just hear a sniffle? I think I just heard a sniffle.

2. Oh, it stopped. Okay. Good. 

3. Ahh, peace and quiet. 

4. Back to that report I promised Jon by noon.

5. OKAY I DEFINITELY JUST HEARD A SNIFFLE. CODE RED.

6. Who the hell ... ? Whose mucus-filled nostril is dropping the coldest track of 2015 rn?

7. Is it Steve, the new guy?

8. IT'S EFFING STEVE, THE NEW GUY.

9. Why did he even come to work? Does his calendar just say, Sniffles, 9am - 5:30pm?

10. WHY STEVE?? WHYYYYY?

11. Wait. It stopped. Steve stopped. God bless. 

12. All hail Steve. Way to overcome your congestion, buddy. Glad you're feeling better. I knew you could do it. I believed in you.

13. GODDAMMIT STEVEN.

14. I seriously thought it was over.

15. How much mucus can one nostril hold?

16. An ocean of mucus, that's how much. 

17. Is his brain is trying to escape through his nose?

18. Maybe I should WebMD this shit, Jon will understand.

19. Do you want me to lose my job, Steve?

20. More sniffles, Steve? Really?

21. BLOW YOUR GODDAMN NOSE, STEVE. 

22. Wait, did I actually say that out loud? Because he just got tissues ...

23. The sniffling is actually like a soft whisper compared to him blowing his nose.

24. SHUT UP, STEVE. SHUT. UP.

25. I definitely shouldn't have complained so much about the sniffling.

26. Is this karma? Is this how that works?!

27. Am I cursed?

28. Is this because I refused to get the flu shot? 

29. Needles scare me. I'm sorry. I'll go after work today, I swear.

30. He's still blowing his nose. Wow. Honestly, I'm impressed.

31. Hah! Other people are starting to stare at Steve now.

32. Steve, the man whose nostrils singlehandedly halted all productivity in the office. What a guy. I should get lunch with him sometime.

33. Not today though. Today we start a petition to get Steve and his germs out of the office. 

34. What's HR policy on taking someone else's sick day? 

35. This is a problem. 

36. Whatever Steve's got, I don’t want it. It sounds like hell.

37. I need to douse my entire body in Purell when I get home.

38. Is this real life? How is he back to sniffling?!

39. Now he's also coughing. Great. 

40. This wheezing man is probably what bad beatboxing sounds like.

41. Beatboxing 101 with Steve the Wheezer.

42. Why did Steve come to work when he literally sounds like he's dying?

43. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, STEVE?

44. Were you scared to lose your job for taking time off to heal, Steve? Because I feel that but honestly, bad call.

45. Listen, Steve, you can't just waltz in here with your nose leaking and your germs flying around the office like it's a goddamn hospital ward.

46. I think this is how ebola spread that one summer?

47. Never mind, that's not how ebola spread that one summer.

48. Thanks for nothing, WebMD.

49. Basically we're all gonna die.

50. BECAUSE OF STEVE THE NEW GUY.

51. I think my nose is starting to clog up.

52. My throat is tightening.

53. I think I'm coming down with something.

54. Do you think I can take the day off, Steve? Do you know Jon expects this report BY NOON?

55. Why doesn't he properly cover his mouth when he coughs?!

56. Basic manners, Steven, basic manners.

57. THAT'S NOT FULL COVERAGE OF THE MOUTH, STEVE.

58. Your germs are literally on me, Steve, I can see them.

59. No one is safe.

60. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.

61. This is like that terrible zombie movie with Brad Pitt.

62. That's it. I feel sick. I do. I think I caught the Steve-itis. 

63. He's going to spread his germs everywhere and then we're going to find out it's some rare deadly disease and they're going to come and quarantine us in here forever and perform experiments on us.

64. This is a terrible way to go.

65. I had so many hopes and dreams. I always wanted to swim with dolphins. And be on "American Idol." And lick the cheese off cheese fries. And meet the Pope. And now I'll never get to experience that.

66. Because of Steve. Stupid Steve. Selfish Steve.

67. Who's going to take care of my cat when I'm gone? Not you, STEVE.

68. Poor Mr. Fluffles. He's going to miss me so much.

69. STOP COUGHING, STEVE, I'M TRYING TO FOCUS. I NEED TO WRITE MY WILL BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

70. Seriously though, Steve doesn't look too good. He's, like, sweating. 

71. His trash bin is officially overflowing with tissues.

72. Ew.

73. I think I just saw a booger. Snot. Steve's snot. I saw it. I'm calling it.

74. OMG OMG. Steve just got up. He's talking to someone.

75. HOLY SHIT STEVE IS GETTING HIS COAT.

76. My prayers have been answered.

77. Aaaaaand he's outta here

78. He actually left. He's gone. It's over.

79. What a relief.

80. Wait. No. My nose. It's clogged.

81. FUCK YOU, STEVE.

 

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