- I am too old
- I won't love the older one as much as the younger one
- The older one will not be happy with someone to share my attention with
I am reflecting on this because this morning I was doing the usual, packing my 3 year old's lunch and making the breakfast while downing a cup of coffee. The baby was crying in his bumbo and my toddler was watching Curious George. It occurred to me that I could do nothing at that moment but continue doing what I was doing and that my newborn would get his needs met in a couple minutes. But nevertheless I get anxious at not being able to take care of the newborn at the drop of a hat as I did with the toddler when he was that age.
It was at that moment that I saw my older son, walk over to his brother and stroke the back of his head. Then he moved in front of him and said, 'its Okay , its Okay." He hugged him and looked at him and said, "you feel better? yes? you feel better?" and his brother stopped crying. That moment was pivotal because it reassured me that I did do the right thing by giving him a baby brother and allowing my newborn to experience what it is like to have a sibling, one to look up to, someone to play with, a shoulder to cry on when sad, and a partner in crime when older. Watching my eldest be a role model at not even three yet just makes my heart full of joy. You all know I have challenges with the terrible two's with my son. The "No!'s" The tantrums. The throwing. The manipulating. The kicking. The screaming. Not allowing me to change him. The unsuccessful at times potty training. The list is endless. But that one moment this morning (and many others in the past) that I got to experience him show compassion to his sibling wipes all that away. My fears are slipping away...
And how much do I love my newborn? I love him to the depths of my soul. I look into his eyes and see the eyes of God, just like I did with my toddler. Everything about him makes me happy. When I had my toddler I never knew such deep love. I knew that it was the kind of love that is unexplainable. I said I could never feel this way for another. Well I do now. I grew another heart. My love for both of them is constant. It never changes. It keep growing and taking my breath away. I love you both, my beautiful, perfect, sons. And I love my husband, who participated in creating the most amazing, unique, beautiful boys and is constantly my teacher on a daily basis.
Fears slipping away...