Through Our Own Eyes

Through Our Own Eyes
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
2013-My view through the trees in Trenton Falls, NY

2013-My view through the trees in Trenton Falls, NY

©Dave Roberts

Validation Comes From Within

I heard a line approximately 2 years ago in an episode of Cold Case, which is as follows:

“I am my own evidence”

If we need validation or proof of our own transformation after loss or other life altering events, we need look no further than ourselves. We are the only ones who can determine the unique landscape of our paths after loss and assess the progress that we have made. We are our own evidence.

The validation from others regarding our progress is also important but in reality, gains made are the byproduct of the work we do from the inside out to change our perspectives after loss. This process of introspection, like grief is not linear. Following the death of my daughter Jeannine in March of 2003, introspection involved ,among other things, examining my perceived shortcomings as a father, during her illness. There were days where my reluctance to confront my shortcomings, outweighed my desire to work through my grief. When I was finally able to reconcile this, I was able to embrace a perspective that allowed me to find my peace in the aftermath of life altering loss.

The work that I did and that many of us do after loss is an authentic representation of what we believe and where we are in our journey. It is easy to judge someone else’s experience as invalid or as not applicable to our experience. It is a way for us to stay safe, to dare not risk venturing into unknown territory and to keep people of different beliefs and ideologies at bay. Witnessing different viewpoints, enables us to learn how to negotiate the unique challenges presented by life -altering or catastrophic loss.

I have also learned that the outward emotions or states of mind that drive our interactions with others may be an expression of more comprehensive patterns of behaviors and/or life themes that unconsciously prevent us from transforming our worldview. If, for example, I constantly generalize a setback in one area of my life to all areas of my life, it may be because of a general lack of safety that I experience about the world, poor self-efficacy, or lack of faith that the universe will fulfill my needs. Consistently subscribing to these beliefs may result in my choosing a life of isolation from others, or not risk vulnerability in my interactions with others.

Determining Your Reality After Loss

Discovering our individualized reality after catastrophic loss can be a challenging and sometimes daunting task. What makes it so challenging, is balancing our own perceptions of reality with the perceptions of those who either take a sincere interest in our well-being or may simply be uncomfortable with our own grief. With that being said, I will share what worked for me:

•Embracing an affirming mantra that will promote your right to self-determine your reality after loss. Your mantra should not be a “canned” affirmation, but one that genuinely reflects your unique vocabulary. The more that mantra is a reflection of your true self, the more empowered you will feel to embrace your own unique path after loss.

•Realizing that progress does not necessarily need to occur in big chunks; it can be incremental. In fact, I believe that if we take two steps forward and one step backwards, that we have still made progress.

•Understanding the power of projection: I have been witness to the grief of many individuals since my daughter Jeannine’s death. Many times, I will listen to comments that bereaved individuals hear, that undermine their pain of loss. Here is one of the more common statements:

“It has been a year since _____ death, don’t you think you should be over it by now.”

It is important to understand that individuals who are uncomfortable with their own grief, project it onto the griever. Projection prevents those individuals from acknowledging that the reality of the griever, could easily be their own.

•Recognizing that in order to assert our right to self-determine, we must bear witness to and respect the rights of others to do the same after loss. In this context, our interactions with others become both enriched and nonjudgmental. In the process, we create an environment of compassion and understanding, which is so crucial to helping individuals work through their grief after loss.

How we experience the world is unique to us. The interpretation of beliefs or events that shape our experience is ours and ours alone. We know better than anyone, the unique impact of our experience and how we can use that knowledge to better understand ourselves and our relationship to the world in general.

“See life through your own eyes, not through the lens of others”- The Afterlife of Billy Fingers by Annie Kagan

Popular in the Community

Close

What's Hot