Tiger Quits Golf; Will Become Politician

ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report) - In a development that rocked the worlds of sports and politics, golf superstar Tiger Woods announced today that he was hanging up his clubs to become a politician.

"After two days of refusing to speak to the media about suspicious aspects of my personal life, I have proved to myself that I am qualified for a career in politics," Mr. Woods told reporters in Orlando.

His stunning decision immediately drew praise from such disparate politicians as Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina and Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, who called a press conference to welcome Mr. Woods to the Republican Party.

"Tiger Woods has not yet revealed what his party affiliation will be, but based on what I've seen, he has what it takes to be a Republican," Sen. Ensign said. More here.