Tim Hortons Reassures Wary Canadians: 'Our Coffee Still Sucks'

Toronto-- Following news that Burger King has purchased the ubiquitous Canadian Tim Hortons coffee chain, executives rushed to reassure skeptical Canadians that the acquisition will not affect the quality of its coffee and Timbits doughnut holes.

"Never fear, fellow Canadians. Our coffee still sucks," read a press release issued by the corporate offices of Tim Hortons.

"Timmy's will continue to provide the same mediocre coffee and crappy doughnuts to our loyal customers at fast-food restaurants throughout Canada," the press release continued.

Tim Hortons can be found in just about every small town and large city across Canada. The popular chain was named after the iconic Hall of Fame hockey player, Tim Horton, the co-founder who died at 44 after a 1974 car accident. The coffee chain has served as a go-to destination for this Hockey-mad country.

"So whether you're in Lulu Island, British Columbia, Ecum Secum, Nova Scotia, Pooch Lake, Ontario or Dog Creek, Manitoba, you'll still be able to warm yourself on a chilly morning to a fresh, hot cup of bland coffee and a stale Timbit," the press release added.

Tim Hortons has over 4500 restaurants worldwide, with more than 3,600 in Canada alone, 866 in the U.S. and 50 in the Persian Gulf.