For a long time now, cagey media consumers have recognized that Time Magazine, with its listicle parties, its cover stories on "The Committee To Save The World That Actually Basically Destroyed It Utterly" and "Let's Save The Afghan Ladies With More War, Forever!" and its continued support for the noise Mark Halperin's head makes when you shake it vigorously, is a newsweekly best read out loud in the voices of Morbo and Linda from Futurama for cheap laughs at midwestern improv clubs.
But now that Time has poached Fareed Zakaria -- an actual grown-up who often pronounces multi-syllable words correctly -- from Newsweek, it makes sense to consider the magazine in a new light. And that's precisely what the good people at the Onion have done, with a fake-news-with-more-than-a-few-grains-of-truth report that announces that Time will be launching Time Advanced, a magazine for "adults," and, in some cases, pre-tween children soured on "out-of-touch trend pieces about virginity pledges."
WATCH:
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