While scrolling through my timeline like I do most days; I came across two articles within 2 minutes of each other that were really disturbing to me.
One was titled "This is the Best Age to Get Married, If you want to Avoid Divorce" the other "There's No Rush: Science Says the Best Age to Have Kids Is after 35."
Before I get completely picked apart for this post, I want to say that I know everyone has a different situation. No two relationships, lives, or journey are the same and what works for some will not work for others. Which, kind of proves my point as to why these articles are a bit ridiculous.
I am not sure if every generation has had to deal with similar reads such as these, but it seems like my group can't get away from them. As a single 27 going on 28 year old, I am over all of the articles telling me the right time to settle down, have kids, why I'm single and unhappy, etc. They do more damage than good.
For those who know me, I am a huge hopeless romantic and I love the idea of people being in love and starting families. It is definitely something I want for myself in the future, but the time just hasn't come for me, and settling is not an option.
I find it very disheartening that in today's society women are pressured into feeling like they are only accomplished if they are in a relationship, married, or a mother. While those are all beautiful endeavors so are a lot of other things, and they should all be celebrated.
Let's get a few things clear here. Not every female and even men for that matter have the same desires in life and for some, marriage and kids are not a part of their plans, and that is okay. It truly angers me when I see women who do not want children being ridiculed for their decision.
Some of my favorite comments are "what if you regret it one day?" or "you would be such a good mom though."
While both of those statements may be true, it is a personal decision, and quite frankly people need to keep their opinions to themselves. What if a woman has fertility issues, has miscarried, or just doesn't want to be a mom? We do not know everyone's story and we have no right to make anyone feel bad for how they choose to live their lives. Unless someone choosing to stay single and childless is harming your life or having a huge impact on it, why does it matter?
While reading these two articles, I cringed numerous times. What was even more disheartening were the comment sections. Flooded with women feeling the need to argue and defend themselves and their choices. Again, we all have different paths so the need to insult each other is completely unnecessary.
Maybe it is a Midwest thing, I don't know but people seem to be very concerned about my dating life and not much else I have going on. Just a few months ago I ran into a family friend who gave me a hug, then proceeded to grab my left hand looking for a ring. Little did she know I was a going to be walking across a stage, getting hooded for my Master's degree, but all that mattered was my "singleness." She didn't ask about anything else I had going on but made sure to tell me I have plenty of time, but not much to settle down.
I've had people say to me that they want me to meet someone so that I can be happy. They don't know why I am single because I have so much going for myself, etc. I didn't realize I was unhappy because I was alone, that statement always blows my mind a bit. While the sentiment is coming from a sincere place, it can be really damaging.
I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I recently told a friend I don't feel that accomplished. Despite moving to a city I knew very little about at 18, completing my bachelor's degree, finishing up a master and being independent for the last 9 years, some days it doesn't feel like enough because I'm alone, and it's "just me." That's the society that we live in and the impact articles like the ones above can have. We are living in a time when women would settle for the sake of not being the single friend. Women who feel less than because they chose not to have children. Women who do not feel as important because they are by themselves. When we constantly point out to people they are alone, and getting older, what good does that do? I'm pretty aware of my age and also how reproduction works.
After years of articles and studies that guilt women into having children prior to 30, now we have ones telling them to wait? Maybe that's why we shouldn't always live our lives by having certain things accomplished by certain ages. Now yes, there are some health factors that come along with having children later in life, but I think we are seeing it happen more and more and healthy children are being born.
Setting goals are fine, in fact, I encourage that, but there are some things you can't put a timeframe on. It doesn't stop there though, not at all. We all know that once women do have children there is a completely different set of issues. For example, c-section vs natural birth or those who choose to breastfeed vs those who do not. We really can't win in any situation ladies.
Being the single, childless woman can be isolating and at times depressing, and that is not acceptable in my book. Nobody should be made to feel bad because they haven't met the right one yet, or given birth. Learning to respect that each of us is going down our own path at our own pace is something I would truly love to see in society. Placing time stamps on huge milestones is pretty absurd, but that is just my opinion. This whole piece is basically just my opinion, and a pretty strong one, I know.
The article says that 26 is the perfect age to get married, by the way. Well, I know people who were married at 22 and others at 35 and they are happy. I know some who have never been married, and guess what? They are as happy as can be. I know some who have married and divorced, who have adopted kids later in life, etc. I also know some who never want to tie the knot, and I say more power to them.
I support people living their lives the way they see fit and that is all that matters(as long as they aren't harming themselves of course).
To my friends that are dating, married, and parents I am happy for you. I love seeing you happy and experiencing this phase of life with you. To my friends who are single and childless, I admire you just the same. For waiting for your time and living life to the fullest in the time being. To those who never want to be married or parents, do your thing.
There is no right formula or age when it comes to these topics and I'm really hoping that down the road I see fewer articles like the two I mentioned above. An individual's happiness and achievement shouldn't be determined or tied to whether or not they have a companion or children and if they've done it by a certain age.
“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.” - Coco Chanel