And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 27 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
When my husband makes me mad I’ll send him to the store for something that doesn’t exist.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 29, 2021
It's 97° and my wife left the house carrying a hoodie, "just in case."— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 29, 2021
it's adorable, my husband thinks i worked out but i just have the face sweats from eating salt and vinegar chips— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 18, 2021
Guys, when she tells you she’s in the mood don’t just run up in the bedroom naked what she might be in the mood for is to eat hummus in the bed alone— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) June 16, 2021
*me following my husband from room to room telling him everything I’ve just learned about penguins*— Upile Chisala (@BeingUpile) June 28, 2021
My husband is having "craft night" with my mother in a few hours and when I asked if I could come he paused and then said, gently, "we'd really rather you didn't."— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 22, 2021
Me: I just realized it was Thursday.— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) June 25, 2021
Husband: What day did you think it was?
Husband: Well they both start with T and end with sday.
Me: Thanks for having my back honey.
My wife has made it very clear that I have no say in home decor and yet pauses Netflix every five minutes for my opinion on throw pillows— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 22, 2021
60% of married life is waiting for your seated spouse to stand up so you can remain seated and get whatever you need now delivered to you.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 23, 2021
Apparently, being married is just saying the same thing over & over, just for your spouse to say, “you never told me that” even though it’s been said verbally & is documented in written form.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2021
Love that journey for me.
My wife asked me not to forget something and I said okay, and we both just laughed and laughed.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 20, 2021
My husband and I made a deal that whoever gets out of bed first makes the coffee. I’ve been in bed with my eyes closed for 2 months.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 23, 2021
Whenever I tell a story where I have to quote my husband I always make him sound like a complete Neanderthal doofus and he sounds nothing like that and yet I can’t stop myself— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 24, 2021
I keep my marriage fresh by unveiling a new personality every few years.— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) June 23, 2021
we have been married for eleven years and just now my husband thinks he’s going to strike up a conversation with me about pro basketball im not sure what i did to deserve this honestly— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) June 20, 2021
Her:— The Dad Briefs🌈 (@SladeWentworth) June 24, 2021
Do that thing I like.
*leaves the house and takes the kids with me.
My husband was snapping pictures of every room in our house. I said, "Are those for the insurance company?" He said, "No. They're for the marriage counselor."— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) June 23, 2021
My husband just turned on our bedroom tv and said let’s watch a show and I said you’re insane it’s 10:55pm we have to work in the morning. Nonsense!— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 21, 2021
He didn’t answer. He didn’t answer because he’s literally asleep w/the remote in his hand. I cannot with this man. I swear to
The worst thing you can do when you are in a fight with your wife is fall asleep easily that night.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 18, 2021
Me talking to my husband: You need to learn to listen better!— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) June 24, 2021
Also me: I’m sorry, what did you say I wasn’t listening.
Of course I like Ikea. It combines all of my favorite things: home decor, making my husband do projects that make him miserable, meatballs— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 24, 2021
Me: Omg, I’m exhausted. I don’t know how I’m going to make it all the way to bedtime without falling asleep.— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 14, 2021
My husband: I hear ya. Wanna listen to a podcast about Roth IRAs and finance?
- page 92 in the Couples Miscommunication Textbook
My husband just used our personal lube to keep a door from squeaking in case you’re wondering about new ways to spice up your own marriage— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 24, 2021