As a volunteer with Trans Lifeline, the trans-to-trans peer support line staffed only by trans volunteer operators and funded primarily by small donations from individuals in the trans community, I wish I could do so much more for my trans peers in crisis than i can. Underemployed, I can't donate more than $20 a month right now. Working 4 part-time jobs trying without success to make ends meet as a single parent, there are only moments here and there when I can answer our phone line or support our volunteers in other ways -- but I share these heartfelt words with any other trans person considering suicide:
I too am trans and share the experience of having my career destroyed simply for having come out, having worked with many non-profit orgs and communities to try to build greater understanding, and feeling so discouraged by not only the lack of response but even worse, backward movement (as I worked primarily with religious organizations) that I genuinely question whether I can keep going. I share that only to let you know that I believe your pain: Yes, just living one day at a time as a trans person can that painful, just as it is for so many of us. (After all, nearly half of us attempt suicide.) As trans people, we share this difficult, life-threatening moment right now in cultural history where so many of us have come out after forward movement by some caregivers and lawmakers, but doing so has startled a culture that often used to take more of a "don't ask don't tell" approach to our presence. Those who used to have no opinion on or awareness of trans lives seem to go out of their way now to express overt hatred, even violence, and sometimes (at best) willful indifference on an organizational level. Those of us who choose not to end life (a very difficult daily, even moment by moment, choice that I struggle with too) often find what meaning we can in supporting each other, for example, those of us who volunteer for peer support crisis prevention phone line Trans Lifeline.
Personally, I believe that for right now, many of the individual conversations and systemic changes we are working at outside and beyond the trans community, with people who are not trans themselves, are going to seem ineffective at present -- changes, when they finally come, may be life-threateningly slow and personal, effected best by personal relationships between trans and non-trans individuals. The lack of immediate impact when our community is being killed off by hate crimes and suicide at a rate far beyond that of any other group sometimes can feel as if our work and lives are meaningless. But I also truly believe as I get to know other trans people that while my own life might seem fruitless and worthless to me, I value other trans lives. And every time one of us kills ourselves, it sends a powerful message to the whole community, a ripple effect that adds to our already nearly unbearable pain and suffering as trans individuals.
Sometimes, even as recently as days ago, what keeps me going is not wanting to add the burden of yet one more trans suicide (one more message that trans lives are worthless -- even to the trans person themselves in this case) to my trans friends, my trans community, and especially to a wider world that seemingly can't wait to add the "evidence" of these high numbers of suicides to their "proof" that we are all crazy, hopeless, not worth saving, beyond help -- so shouldn't be allowed to live among other human beings as ourselves. (Yes, that's the message of the bathroom laws, religious exemptions for schools, and burials by families with clothes and names that aren't the ones we use for ourselves: We know very well we can't stop being who we really are. We aren't being policed into our birth gender, we're being policed into LYING so that we die in the closet, no longer the eyesore and "social problem" others don't want to see.)
I thank you for every day you have chosen to live so far, for any work you have done already for trans community, the efforts you have already put in and the seeds you have planted just by being yourself one day at a time, any day or moment you have chosen to be present. Our work and lives as trans people in this historical moment may, perhaps, be slow to bear fruit because of the cultural backlash against us right now. But for all of us -- or as many of us as possible -- to survive, we need to be here to plant and nurture those seeds together.
This line is primarily for transgender people experiencing a crisis. This includes people who may be struggling with their gender identity and are not sure that they are transgender. While our goal is to prevent self harm, we welcome the call of any transgender person in need. We will do our very best to connect them with services that can help them meet that need. If you are not sure whether you should call or not, then please call us. US: (877) 565-8860, Canada: (877) 330-6366