To My Meant-To-Bes: A Letter To My Failed IVF Embryos

You were meant to be.
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You were meant to be mine… part of my body, part of your daddy’s body, meant to grow inside of me.

I can’t stop looking at my stomach and wishing you were still there. Wishing I was feeling the excitement of “There’s a baby in there.” Wishing I would soon be watching my stomach grow, and wondering what you were doing and feeling inside. Wishing I was seeing the awe in your daddy’s eyes admiring the magic that is happening in my body. Wishing I was looking forward to the joy and excitement of becoming a mommy, and falling in love all over again.

But instead… a feeling of loss and emptiness.

You were meant to be. Meant to grow inside of my body, gaining nourishment as you develop into a baby. Meant to be celebrated by our family. Meant to be viewed in ultrasounds. Meant to be kicking me from inside and moving around, meant to be felt by your daddy through my tummy. Meant to hear and feel my heartbeat and our voices, meant to be loved by everyone who loves us, but loved most by your meant to be daddy and me.

You were meant to be born into our loving family. Meant to be held by your mommy and daddy. Meant to be kissed and adored by your meant to be big sister.

You were meant to be visited and adored by our friends and family, and spoiled by your admiring grandparents. Meant to be nursed, cared for, comforted and snuggled.

You were meant to be brought home to your carefully planned and decorated nursery in our beautiful new home that was meant to be for you. Meant to be sniffed, tickled, and kissed by your meant to be fur sister.

You were meant to sleep soundly and comfortably in our arms, wrapped snuggly in love.

I’m sorry I’ll never get to see you, hold you, sing to you, nurse you. I’ll never get to rock you, kiss you, change your diaper, kiss your cheeks, tickle your feet, watch you grow. I’ll never see your daddy’s face light up when he sees you, and yours light up when you see his. I’ll never hear your sister sweetly say your name, love on you, tickle you, and teach you. I’ll never see your first smile, hear your first laugh, or feed you your first meal. You’ll never get to learn to roll over, crawl or take those magical, tottering first steps. I’ll never get to see you playing in the backyard with your sisters.

Others may think that you weren’t meant to be, but they don’t know like I do. I know you were meant to be, but for some reason, you weren’t. Now I long for all that we were meant to do, see and experience with you.

But the one thing I have already gotten to do and will always, is love you. And I know that love is meant to be!

Love always,

Your mommy