I’m not sure what the origin of the adage, “Rules were made to be broken” is, but I like it. Because I hate rules. It’s not that I’m opposed to safety - or even order, but there’s something about the monotony of anything being done over and over the same way that bores me to tears and makes me want to scream. And life as a parent certainly has the potential to bore a person to tears. Prepare food, wash clothes, schedule doctor appointments, drop off, pick up, insist upon bathing, blah, blah, blah.
But it’s all about how you look at it, isn’t it? While I honestly don’t really like any of those chores, I have become quite good at modifying how things are done. So sometimes we ride our bikes to school, and bath time includes homemade green shampoo made during one of our regularly schedule Special Times. I’m still working on how to spice up the food prep bit. That’s a hard one for me. But we do test out new recipes, or occasionally just eat popcorn.
“So what does any of this have to do with rule breaking?” you might be asking yourself. Actually, a lot. I find that many of us mostly function on autopilot when it comes to our parenting rules. And worse than that - or at least as bad - many of us never put much much thought into the rules we make in the first place. We decide that two books is a reasonable number to read our child before bed, and so that becomes the rule. Maybe that was how we grew up. Or what the teacher said was necessary to develop literacy skills. Okay… But then what happens the evening you can barely keep your eyes open because you were up all night with a sick baby, but you PROMISED your kid two books? Or when you’re really enjoying cuddling up with your little one and you want to read a third and fourth book, even though it’s past bedtime? (There’s another rule.)
You might be thinking, “That’s crazy! Who doesn’t read an extra book if they want to?” The answer is many, many, many parents. Why? Because we have been taught that consistency and routine are key to raising healthy children.
Well I’m prepared to argue for both the development of our children and the mental health of us parents that this is just not so.
Instead, how about we go for flexibility? How different would your parenting life look if you took just a moment before you laid down the rule of law? Maybe today a second or third cookie is okay. Maybe that half-hour of TV you usually allow in the mornings doesn’t make sense today.
Children actually thrive when they see their parents thinking flexibly. When we model thinking before acting, we are showing our children that each moment is new, and that it is one of our gifts as humans to be able to assess and experience each moment as such. In fact, you’ll notice when you start exercising your flexibile thinking that your children become more cooperative - not less. Why? Because your words have weight. Why? Because your children are aware that you stopped to think before you made a decision. You are being reasonable.
What happens when we make a decision as parents and then realize it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense? We get to change our minds! No harm done. (Hopefully!) In fact, admitting our mistakes is another wonderful opportunity for our children to learn. They see that even adults err. They internalize the message that perfection is not the goal. That there are ways to make things right again when we do slip up. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather my boys grew up with these messages than the importance of sticking to routine.
And then there’s that bit about our mental health. Over and over again parents stop in their tracks when I point out that they get to take themselves into consideration in their parenting decisions. We get to ask not only whether any said decision will benefit our child, but also how the decision will affect us. We count! Our health and happiness is a vital ingredient in any successful parenting recipe.
Rules are good. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I’m a superhero of a limit setter! But we can’t set limits willy nilly and expect our children to abide by them. Let’s do better. In the end, we’re all wanting to raise children who are curious and comfortable moving around out in the world. Of course we want them to stop at red lights and pay their bills on time, but we also want them to think for themselves and dare to forge new paths.
In the spirit of this week’s worldwide protests, “Up with flexible limit setting! Down with random rules!”
Please let me know your thoughts on the subject by commenting below. You obviously don’t have to agree with me, but I would be so pleased if we could disagree respectfully.
If you appreciate my thinking and sense of humor, and you’re raising a young boy, I invite you to join me starting on January 30 for “Parenting Boys Peacefully: A 10-Day Reconnect!” It’s free. It’s fun. And it will give you some practice exercising that flexibility muscle!