I understand that as a woman, the dudes are going to give me hell for this.
Please men, I love you dearly. In fact, probably way too much. I know women are "bad" too, but I am not out in the world dating women, so I'm not as invested in other women and their dating habits as I am with the pool of guys I am meeting as a single woman.
So gentlemen, listen with an open heart.
A lot of men claim to be "nice guys." And indeed, there are quite a few of you out there. Namely, I am thinking of my friends Mike, Chris, Steve, Tim, Stephen, and there are a ton more, but there are also impostors. Men who claim to be nice, but aren't really. This isn't because they're intentionally evil, but that they're not "all together" just yet. Under the issues, the man is nice. Above the issues? The man is toxic.
Let me just say -- there is nothing more brutal than dating a man who is not over his divorce. Since separating from my ex, I have been on some dates the past two years, and I have met quite a few men who either openly or covertly (with no evil intention but simply unbeknownst to them) were not over their marriages, yet were out in the dating world attempting to mix with the female sex.
Ooh, talk about rough! Ouch! I could sense the fear, hesitancy and anger a mile away. It made me, a woman who wanted to date and who wasn't angry about her divorce, wonder if perhaps there was something wrong with me? Was I supposed to be so jaded now that I am getting a divorce? Was I supposed to give up?
Divorced men and bachelors are a huge chunk of my dating pool. So here are my thoughts to you guys -- divorced guys in particular.
First, what does it mean to be nice? And then, what are some signs you're not ready to date yet.
To Be Nice
1. Your Head is Clear
A nice guy approaches dating with a clear head. He is certain of his needs: serious, frivolous, or friendship, and sticks to that narrative, never deviating. The nice guy doesn't say he wants frivolous and then tries to get too sexual or emotional with a woman because his head is clear and his message is...
Nice guys have the same message, each time.
They don't change their minds on a whim. They speak and act in unison.
The nice guy respects the boundaries you have laid out for him. He does not dishonor them. He does not send unsolicited dick pics. Guys, dick pics are fab if we ask you for one. If we don't, please -- don't hit send.
4. Checks His Baggage
A nice guy checks his baggage long before he shows up to the date. He does not assume all women are evil.
He is not afraid of commitment.
He is not scattered. He has dealt with his baggage and is ready to take a risk with love.
5. Attention. Time. Affection
Nice guys have all of the above in spades and they give these things genuinely and consistently, rather than being hot and cold.
6. Nice Guys Don't Make You An Option
You're the priority, to the nice guy. Not an option, side dish or appetizer.
These are things nice guys do.
Are You Ready to Date Divorced Guys?
1. Do you hate your ex-wife?
You're not ready to date.
2. Do you need someone's company or want someone's company?
If the answer is need, you aren't ready.
3. Are you horny or invested?
If you're horny, no one blames you. So are all of us after leaving (for the majority of divorces) sexless or loveless marriages. However, if you're just horny be blatantly clear and stick to all the rules above this way if she gets hurt you can say: I was consistent and clear that I was horny and not invested.
If you are invested, you are ready to date.
If horny, not ready -- stick to bar pickups and apps in which you clearly state "sex only" please.
4. Have you faced the mistakes or pitfalls of your marriage?
If yes, ready to date.
If no, you're not.
You must evolve to be a good partner.
5. Do you accept the marriage is over?
If yes -- ready.
If no, don't even go near a woman.
Women and men -- we all have flaws dating. But I am here to say to the nice guy exiting your divorce and trying to date me and other single women: please be ready to be out there otherwise, do everyone a favor and stay home and work on you. Hurting yourself and others will only hurt your ego, and you don't deserve that. Nurture the man you are and the man you want to be and you will find all you deserve and then some.
A Nice Girl